Like a Drug
by Light and Noise
Summary: HIATUS. Rewrite pending. Incomplete.
1. Prologue

**Like a Drug**

"I'm gay." Those words, unbeknownst the speaker, were about to alter the path of his life. He stood with a hand on his hip, staring at his aunt and uncle. His aunt dropped the origami bird she'd been folding and his uncle dropped the earring he was trying to put in. Both faced him. His aunt spoke slowly, as if talking to a confused six year old.

"No," she emphasized, "you are not gay, Zetsu." Zetsu coldly met her blue eyes with his yellow ones. She was trying to use compulsion on him, a gift passed through a certain family of monks and priestesses. She was one of them as was her husband. Her blue eyebrows furrowed together and she and her husband exchanged looks. Zetsu smirked triumphantly.

"You can't change my sexuality with compulsion, Aunt Konan, nor can you, Uncle Pein," the teen spoke. He stared down his two caretakers before Pein relented and walked out of the kitchen. Konan followed her husband as he left, leaving Zetsu alone in the kitchen. He sat down in his aunt's vacated seat and stared at the black, paw printed kitchen wall paper.

"**Well, that went well**," he said out loud. "Of course," he responded sarcastically. "Everything with me goes well. Wait till I tell Temari and the girls I have to transfer…" He snorted. "**I doubt they'll take it well**." Rolling his eyes, the green haired teen responded to himself, "Your support is always appreciated, Zetsu." Sighing, he glanced up.

Konan was glaring angrily at him and Pein was massaging his eye lids. He snapped his fingers and the earring he dropped appeared in his hand. The couple looked at each other then at their nephew a few times. Zetsu huffed in annoyance, further proof of his sexuality. He hated when they had their stupid secret conversations. Especially in front of him. He didn't have the same powers as them, mostly because they were his aunt and uncle through adoption. He never knew his real parents; he was orphaned, and then adopted. His adoptive parents were _mortal demons_ and were killed by a stray blast of magic from their adopted son, so his adoptive father's sister and brother-in-law took him in.

In this world, there are two types of demons and in those demons, different levels of power. There are the mortal demons and the immortal demons. The levels of power in the race of mortal demons are simple: There are the lower powered demons, those who lack powers except under the most dire of circumstances. Then there are the high powered mortal demons. They have almost total control over their powers, but have one set back. If they apply too much magic into a technique, it backfires and they die. Quick, painless, no trace of the cause of death left behind.

The levels of the immortal demons, however, are much more complicated because they have been nurtured from the birth of the world. There are, of course, the lower level demons with their various ranks. The lower ranks consist of the servants, the civilians, the knights, and the nobles. The servants have slight signs of power, much like the lower levels of mortal demons. However, the servants don't die. The civilian rank has magic enough to be able to keep a flower alive for eternity, but not much else. The knights can grow crops and keep fields prospering for six months straight before having to replenish their powers. The nobles were like the knights of the olden days; they protected someone of the higher immortals. The higher ranks of the immortals were only three: the diamonds, the sapphires, and the pearls. The diamonds were extremely powerful teenage demons and they didn't require protection from the nobles. The sapphires were those with certain powers that were dying like the compulsion of the monks and priestesses. The pearls were the most powerful and rare: they were the only ones left of their type and as such were protected by the nobles. Of course, there were only three such pearls as the only way to kill an immortal is by staking their hearts with something made out of pure crystal.

Zetsu knew not what he could qualify as, since Pein and Konan hadn't bothered with getting Zetsu's blood tested. Pein and Konan were immortals and were among the sapphires. Zetsu figured that if he was an immortal, he'd be ranked as a diamond. Sighing, Konan faced her nephew reluctantly.

"Alright," she said softly and venomously, "we are transfer- I can't do this, Pein! He's a disgrace! I'm going over to Anko's!" the blue haired woman growled. She had tears welling in her eyes and she glared at Zetsu with hate. She screamed and stormed from the house, two pairs of eyes watching as she walked down the main walkway and stormed across the street. Both males' keen senses picked up sobbing. Pein rolled his eyes and sighed exhaustedly, looking at his nephew.

He massaged his eye lids. Zetsu watched in annoyance. "Alright," breathed Pein. "What she was about to say, we're transferring you to Akatsuki Academy for Boys. It's a boarding school, so pack all your belongings…"

Zetsu sighed and pushed himself to his feet and made a face, as if it was the hardest thing he'd ever done. "Alright," he drawled. He flashed a predatory smile at his uncle… Well, the black half of his face did. The white half remained impassive as the black half spoke. "**Can I eat her when she returns?**" The white half slapped the black half of Zetsu. "Zetsu, she's our aunt, so no. Now, come on, we have to pack!"

Packing didn't take long; Zetsu merely sealed all of his belongs into his black half's hand with his magic. Pein informed him that Konan refused to go with them to the Academy so the pair climbed into Pein's Volvo x60 and drove. The ride took all of five hours and both halves of Zetsu were extremely grateful for the lack of Konan because the woman was a pain when she wanted to be. Zetsu's jaw dropped –both halves. He was going to board _there_?!

The black have snorted whereas the white half let out a stream of extremely horrid swear words as Pein drove through the gates. It was no school. It was a fucking _mansion_. On either side of the drive were statues –a giant emerald frog and a pearl slug. On top of the school, sneering down on the people walking about the campus, was a giant, obsidian snake that seemed ready to eat whoever did something to displease it. A shudder rippled through Zetsu's body. Why did he have to be gay?


	2. Chapter 1::

**Like a Drug**

As soon as Zetsu entered the headmaster's office, he knew he was going to die soon. It's not that the room was flaming pink with pink flowers, pink wall paper, pink _everything_. No. He was fine with that; he had to be to be friends with Sakura. No, the reason he knew death was eminent was because the headmaster was a _guy_. He had pale skin and long black hair. His eyes were yellow slits, like a snake's, and lined in purple. Zetsu had to look away in order not to vomit. It was stressing. He had to look, though. The man smiled and a chill went down the green haired teen's back. The man motioned towards the vibrantly pink couch and uncle and nephew sat. Pein looked to be in pain as did Zetsu's black half. The white half remained perfectly impassive.

The man spoke and even Zetsu's white half contorted. He spoke like a snake… "Hello. I am Orochimaru, the headmasssster here. I take it you are Zetsssssssu and you are hisssss Uncle Pein?" asked the man. Both halves of Zetsu slowly turned green to match his hair. Pein nodded once, jerkily. "Well, we are very glad to have you here. Now, let'ssssss get down to bussssssinesssssss, ssssssshall we?" Another jerky nod. "We are aware of your… Circumssssssstancesssss, Zetsssssssu, ssssssssso we hope you find your sssssstay… Productive."

Zetsu spoke up. "**Productive? You mean you hope you can rape us into oblivion**." His black side snorted. The white hand hit the black arm. "Shut up, Zetsu. No need to be such an ass." The black half grunted in response to the right half. "**Yes, of course. That's **_**your**_** job, Zetsu. Forgive me**." The eye on the white half of Zetsu rolled. "Shut up Zetsu."

Orochimaru was watching the scene in amusement. Quite hilarious would describe the scene before him. He smiled at Pein who looked away in disgust. The snake-man licked his lips, watching Zetsu with a _look_ Pein was glad his nephew didn't catch. Smiling widely, the pale man said, "Well, I hope you don't _really_ think that lowly of me, really." Zetsu blinked. "Ssssssssso, would you like me to call your guide in?" Zetsu nodded all too happily. He then shivered as Orochimaru licked his lips sensually. In the back of his mind, Black Zetsu noted that Pein looked murderous. "Alright. _Oh Kabuto_," he practically purred. "Pleasssse sssssend in Tobi."

"Y-yes Orochimaru-Sama," called a meek voice. "Tobi, you can-" before the voice could finish, the doors to the office burst open and the only thing Zetsu registered was the overly cheerful voice.

"TOBI'S A GOOD BOY, HEADMASTER OROCHIMARU! TOBI WAITED FOR KABUTO TO TELL HIM HE COULD COME INSIDE!" Zetsu stared. Pein stared. Orochimaru stared. The boy vibrated in place. He had spiky brown hair, a bright red shirt with a fan on it that Zetsu recognized as the Uchiha Fan, black jeans, black shoes, and an orange mask with only one eye hole. The mask was the most noticeable feature on his face. Zetsu blinked. The urge to take the mask off and see the boy's face. That urge took him by surprise.

Zetsu was the one to break the silence. "**Well… That was… Odd.**" The boy tilted his head sideways. He was staring at the green haired youth thoughtfully. "I know… Now shut up, Zetsu." The brunette giggled. "**Whatever you say, oh great Lord Zetsu**."

The kid held out a gloved hand. "Hi Zetsu! My name's Tobi! I'm a good boy!" Zetsu tentatively shook Tobi's hand. He _was_ vibrating. He was vibrating so much, in fact, that Zetsu's body shook until Tobi let go. "Tobi's going to be _good_ friends with Zetsu, I can tell!"

_**Good friends? **_Black Zetsu questioned in the shared mind of White and Black Zetsu. White Zetsu crushed that thought with a metal bar and burned the thought's remains. A tentative and slightly unnoticeable smile worked onto both halves' faces. He could practically hear Tobi's grin as he spoke. "Why is your face painted? Why do you have two voices?" And Zetsu's smile promptly got squished and burned with Black Zetsu's thought.

Through gritted teeth, Zetsu ground out, "It's not painted. I was born like this at birth. And I have split personalities. It's part of my job description, _Tobi_," he emphasized.

"Oh?" asked Tobi, plopping down on Zetsu's lap. "Do tell! Toby will listen to his best friend!" Zetsu glared as Tobi hugged him around the neck.

"My demon powers require **Black Zetsu** and White Zetsu to work, okay?" demanded the green-ette.

"Tell Tobi _more_," whined Tobi. Zetsu growled and White Zetsu noted Orochimaru leaning forward in interest. "Please?" Zetsu could only imagine the pout on Tobi's face and his one brown eye conveyed that.

"Black Zetsu specializes in sealing and White Zetsu summons. That's all I'm saying," snapped Zetsu.

Yeah, he was _so_ going to die.


	3. Chapter 2::

**Like a Drug**

Did Zetsu ever mention how close to death he was? Well, he was wavering in the lands between life and death. Die and meet his real parents or live and continue to be chattered at by Tobi? Tough decision… Well…

"-and here is the lunch room, but Itachi-San says we're supposed to call it the dining hall to make it sound proper," Tobi continued, pulling the green haired homosexual into the dining hall. His yellow eyes peered around the room. A few late stragglers seemed to be finishing lunch. Tobi dragged him to the lunch line and handed him a plate, telling him to take whatever he wanted. Sighing, Zetsu peered about the buffet. He set his plate down and clenched his white hand into a fist, digging his nails into his palm. Tobi glanced back. "C'mon Zetsu-San, let's- Are you mad at Tobi? NOOOOOO! TOBI'S A GOOD BOY!" cried the brunette. Zetsu shook his head.

"**Shut up, kid. White Zetsu needs to concentrate.**" Tobi immediately shut up and watched Zetsu's white half avidly. The white hand opened and the black hand touched the blood and began drawing symbols along the white arm. Tobi watched with his one eye, his head cocked to the side. He was confused. Then, the strangest thing happened. Zetsu's black half literally stepped away from the White Half, leaving a White Zetsu and a Black Zetsu. Tobi took a wide step back as Black Zetsu grinned. White Zetsu remained impassive as per usual. The arm covered in blood glowed a strange color and the two Zetsus molded together again, a dead rabbit in Black Zetsu's hand. Tobi visibly cringed at the sight of the bloodied rabbit and blinked in confusion.

He looked from t he rabbit's body to the buffet table and back again a few times before he finally spoke. "Hey, Zetsu-San. Where'd that rabbit come from?" asked the brunette. Black Zetsu's half merely smirked while White Zetsu's half had a smug… Well, it wouldn't be described as a smile, more a slight upturn of the corner of his lip. Tobi blinked but shook his head. "Oh well. Come, all of Tobi's friends always eat late! Let's go sit with them, Zetsu-San!"

**Let's not and pretend we did, Zetsu?** Black Zetsu mentally begged. His voice was crushed by a sumo wrestler tied down by anchors and then set up in flames and dumped into the middle of an active volcano. Sighing, Zetsu trudged after Tobi while both minds were in agreement and thinking about their other friends. It was painful, thinking about them. And how they took it…

--

"_Hey guys," Zetsu murmured, staring intently at the ground as if it held the answers of life. He scratched the back of his head with his white hand. _

_The chirpy voice of his soon-to-be ex-girlfriend answered for their group. "Heya Zetsu! What's up? You seem all down and stuff," Ino Yamanaka said. Zetsu only nodded. He jerked his head up when he felt a hand on his shoulder. It was only Sakura._

_Smiling sadly, the pink haired girl said, "I already told them what I saw, Zetsu-Kun." She sounded like she regretted it and they all probably _did_ regret Zetsu turning gay. Ino stepped forward._

"_Can I have one last kiss?" she asked. Zetsu nodded and captured her lips with his; the old spark just wasn't there anymore. "I'll always love you, Zetsu." Her sad demeanor turned cheerful. "So you better have me in the wedding when you meet him."_

_Zetsu stared blankly before it dawned on him. His black side chuckled while the white side remained blank as usual._

--

Tobi grabbed his black arm and shoved him into the inside of the booth. The brunette slid in right after and set his plate down, waving towards the door. The eye on Black Zetsu's side stayed upwards to see what Tobi was waving at and the other eye followed. God, how many people did Tobi _know_? Wait, only about five people out of the twelve were coming over. Thank _god_. Four of the five slid in on the opposite side of the booth and one sat beside Tobi. All four looked at Zetsu curiously and both of the green-ette's eyes diverted downward toward the dead bunny.

"Tobi, un," one finally spoke. Zetsu glanced up and noticed it was the blond. He had long blond hair pulled back into a pony tail with a thick strand in front of his left eye, reminding him of Ino with darker hair, bluer eyes, and more masculine features. He swore a blue tank top but Zetsu couldn't see what kind of pants. Well, he might as well study the others. The one beside the blond had a mop of red, red hair. His brown eyes were blank and his face like White Zetsu's –emotionless. He wore a brown shirt from what Zetsu could see. Next to the red head sat a boy who vaguely resembled Uchiha Sasuke, one of his best friends back at Konoha High. The boy had raven dark locks, obsidian eyes, the Uchiha's pale skin –which was odd because Zetsu and Sasuke always thought Sasuke was the last Uchiha-, and a line on either side of his nose. His shirt was navy blue. Beside the Sasuke-Look-Alike sat a man Zetsu decided he could form a kinship with. This boy's skin was blue with blue hair and beady black eyes. He had gills under said eyes which would've creeped Zetsu out if not for some of his more… Outlandish, but hidden! , features. Both met eyes and the blue one's eyes widened in shock and recognition; Zetsu too felt that pull. Before he could observe this one more, his eyes found the final figure with them. He had slicked back white hair and bright lavender eyes. Around his neck was a chain with a symbol Zetsu's didn't recognize and he wore a zip up hoodie which was unzipped, revealing his toned chest. But his eyes were what really pulled both minds of Zetsu in.

"Tobi, _un_," the blond repeated. He sounded stressed. Zetsu looked at him momentarily before his eyes were drawn to the other man's lavender orbs. "There's a dead _rabbit_ on the table, yeah!" he wailed. Zetsu looked away from the lavender eyes to stare incredulously at the blond.

"**Is he saying what I think he's saying, Zetsu**?" the black half asked. "You know, I really think he is," replied the white half emotionlessly.

"Tobi un!" wailed the blond. "Get it away!"

"Again, I say: Deidara, how can you be a fucking demon if you can't handle the sight of a fucking dead chit like that fucking rabbit?" Zetsu's eyes left this Deidra character and fell on the man he had been staring at earlier. Zetsu looked away when the man looked at him and Zetsu pulled a napkin over the rabbit's body.

Toby chose that moment to make himself known again. "Tobi is a good boy! He will introduce everyone!" The brunette pointed at the blond. "Deidara-Sempai," he pointed at the red head, "Sasori-Sempai," he pointed at the Uchiha-clone, "Itachi-San," he pointed at the blue boy, "Kisame-Kun and he," Tobi tugged on the final boy's hair, "is Hidan~!" Zetsu nodded. "Everyone, he's Zetsu-San!"

Zetsu peered at Itachi blankly for a second. "You aren't," he began, "by any chance, related to Uchiha Sasuke, are you?" Itachi only jerked his head up and down once. Zetsu nodded and filed that away in both memories for future examination.

An uncomfortable silence befell the table. Tobi was the only one eating, which seemed impossible because of his mask. Then again, Tobi was obviously and immortal and immortals had crazy powers. "Tobi's a good boy. He finished all his lunch. Deidara-Sempai, let's go get some dessert!" Tobi crawled over Hidan and Deidara opted for walking on the table. As soon as they were gone, questions were fired.

"How did you transfer here?"

"_Why_ did you transfer here?"

"What are your fucking powers, you douche?"

"What ranking are you?"

"Who're your parents?"

"Why're you with Tobi-Kun?"

"Why the fuck are you black an' douche white?"

"What is with your split personalities?"

Half of Zetsu's jaw was dropped but the other half remained firmly set in a grim line. He went cross-eyed for a few seconds and closed his eyes, sighing.

He would rather live and take Tobi's chattering than this hell.


	4. Chapter 3::

**Like a Drug**

_Doom, doom, doom-doom._ Zetsu could've sworn that's what his heartbeat sounded like, foretelling his impending doom. Great. Why couldn't the heart beat say _Life, life, life-life_?

Black Zetsu shuddered at the intense stares of the four around him. It was really disturbing. White Zetsu felt the same way but he was trained in hiding his emotions more than Black Zetsu. It took a moment for the questions to register in both minds. White Zetsu spoke calmly, only the white half of Zetsu's lips moving. The four watching found it fascinating that Zetsu could do that –have one side act like this and the other act like that at the same time.

"Have you darlings ever heard of 'being polite'?" inquired White Zetsu.

Hidan growled. "Don't fuck around. Just answer the fucking questions, douche bag!"

Zetsu went cross eyed and the black arm rubbed the back of Zetsu's head while the white arm propped Zetsu's head up. "**See, Zetsu. This is what I'm talking about. Sorry**." He said the last word nervously. The eye on the white half of Zetsu's face rolled. "Of course you're sorry, Zetsu. You never cease to amaze me." Black Zetsu chuckled. "**Well, that's nice. But your new buddies are staring**." It was quite obvious then that Black and White Zetsu receded into the recesses of Zetsu's mind because he blinked; a dazed look in his eyes as he righted himself. He stared apathetically at the other four.

Itachi sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose in his annoyance. "Zetsu-San, the questions?" Zetsu cocked his head to the side as he met each pair of eyes evenly, saving Hidan's for last because who wouldn't want to just get lost in those lavender orbs? Hidan glared suspiciously and met Zetsu's oddly matched yet mismatched yellow eyes levelly. Zetsu looked away quickly, staring at the dead and slowly decaying rabbit.

Sighing, he made an odd sound, as if he was scolding the rabbit for decaying without out actually speaking. He brushed the napkin away and picked the grey creature up by the scruff of its neck, inspecting it carefully. One green brow rose until it was hidden by equally green, messy locks. He sighed and bit his black hand, running the blood across his teeth. They elongated immediately and still the other four boys watched avidly. _Block them out, Zetsu_, one of the Zetsu personalities chanted in his mind. And block them out he did. He viciously dug his teeth into the neck of the rabbit. Immediately, what blood was left in the creature came gushing out of the two little puncture marks in its neck. Zetsu's feeding powers were much like that of a vampire demon but, as Sasuke proved multiple times, Zetsu wasn't really taking in the _blood_. He was taking in what nutrients the blood had to offer. Another very big difference between whatever Zetsu was and what Sasuke was, was the blood they had to have. Sasuke, who was the perfect example of a vampire demon, could feed on anything with blood. Zetsu, however, had to feed on something that died within ten minutes of him finding it or summoning it. Zetsu preferred to summon his food because of some very scientific blathering. Simply: A living being cannot pass through the time-space continuum Zetsu's breed uses to summon without sustaining some form of permanent bodily harm. Depending on the creature's mass, the bodily harm can range from the loss of an arm or death. Demons of all kinds, Zetsu learned in his early years of summoning, would lose limbs unless the summoned was a baby or under the age of seven. If under the age of seven, the demon would die. Animals, however, had a one hundred percent chance of death. That was why Zetsu summoned animals because he knew they would die.

Inside Zetsu's body, though he doubted anyone could actually see, Black Zetsu's sealed body was absorbing the blood while White Zetsu's sealed body absorbed the nutrients Black Zetsu's body didn't need. Together, White and Black Zetsu made up the Zetsu on the outside, combining all of their nutrients and such together. And, despite popular belief of those who knew nearly everything about Zetsu (i.e.: his friends at Konoha High), Black and White Zetsu were best friends, though they fought a lot. The fighting was liable to happen though; being cooped up in the same immortal body for seventeen years was bound to bring on fighting. Once the rabbit's body was sucked dry, Sasori, Itachi, and Hidan had to look away as Zetsu began devouring the carcass. Kisame watched as if it happened every day. Zetsu found this mildly interesting, but not interesting enough to stop until the rabbit carcass was gone. Zetsu picked up the napkin and wiped his mouth off. He blinked as the three that had looked away looked back now.

"Again," spoke Itachi slowly, as if talking to a mentally disabled seven year old, "I ask: will your or will you not answer our previous questions?"

Zetsu rolled his eyes and drawled, "Well, if phrased politely," he gave a pointed look at Hidan who looked properly chastised, or he would've if not for the glint in his eyes, "I might consider it…" he trailed off, leaving the rest to them. Sasori leaned forward and propped his elbows up on the table, lacing his fingers together. Slowly, almost agonizingly so, he set his chin on his interlocked fingers and stared appraisingly at Zetsu who stared back blankly. A tiny quirk of the lips was the green-ette's reward.

Brown eyes met yellow before going around, meeting the others' gazes. "How did you transfer here?" asked the redhead thoughtfully. "It is nearly impossible to transfer into Akatsuki Academy if you have not attended since sixth grade. It is quite curious and I am hoping you can satiate my curiosity enough."

Zetsu rested his elbows on the table and rested his chin in both palms, his hands cupping his face as he stared at the redhead. He sighed, blowing a stray green lock out of his eyes only to have it return again. He went cross eyed and then rolled his eyes before looking back to Sasori. "My uncle got me in because I would've originally attended here but he and my aunt decided to send me to Konoha High. Oro-Pedo saved my original seat in case the need arose for me to attend here." Sasori nodded.

"Alright," murmured Kisame. "I see what'cha want us to do." He nodded to himself. "What's your demon ranking?"

Zetsu's eyes widened slightly and then darted down to examine the table. He looked up and sighed. "I can answer that, but you need to know the basics of my life, which I'm sure is a question one of you has." Both halves smirked. It wasn't subtle, no. It was an all out smirk, blossoming to reach his eyes that sparkled with mirth. Kisame blinked and looked away, covering the lower half of his face with one hand.

Itachi cleared his throat politely. Zetsu gave the Uchiha –it was still a shock to find out another one lived- his full attention. "Yes. I was wondering, _why_ did you aunt and uncle have you transferred here?"

Zetsu sighed and spread his fingers over his face. He peeked at Itachi through the spaces his fingers provided. "I'm gay and the only reason they had me at Konoha High was to find a girl to carry on my legacy… Uncle decided that the boys at Konoha weren't enough for me and transferred me. I think my aunt wants to disown me…" He sighed, his smirk falling away.

Hidan voiced his question, not caring about what anyone felt in that moment; obviously. "What are your powers, douche bag?!" Zetsu blinked and peered at the odd man. He rolled his eyes at him.

"I love your manners, Hidan-Kun," Zetsu informed him. "My powers… I'll tell you what I told Tobi: Black Zetsu seals and White Zetsu summons. And I, in general, can do many things thought rare in the Demon Realm." He nodded expertly and leaned back, folding his arms across his chest.

"Why were you with Tobi-Kun when we arrived?" barked Itachi.

Zetsu answered slowly, "Oro-Pedo assigned Tobi to be my guide for my first few days here." Itachi nodded; he found that answer satisfactory, apparently.

"Who, if I may, are your parents?" inquired Sasori softly.

Zetsu clucked his tongue. "That brings us back to Kisame-San's question. You see, I was orphaned and thus, I know not my heritage or my parentage. Uncle and my aunt decided it didn't matter whose legacy I carried in my blood, just that I did. So I know not my ranking either, though we've guessed that I would be a sapphire."

Kisame nodded. "So, what's with your split personalities?" he asked as the same time Hidan demanded,

"Why are you fucking cow colors, fucker?" Zetsu groaned mentally and answered.

"Your questions all tie down to the same thing, Kisame-San, Hidan-Kun," Zetsu explained slowly, tasting each word before he spoke. How to explain it to them so it would satisfy them…? Ah, that would work. "I am made up of two beings. **Black Zetsu** and White Zetsu. In order for me, the main body, to perform my magic, I need both personalities because both of them have certain magical properties that influence my body. That's all I can tell you, because if I show you, you forget what you saw when Black and White merge into one."

Silence befell the table as three of the four looked thoughtful. Kisame just stared in shock at Zetsu. Zetsu met his shocked gaze with his own confused one and Kisame's jaw dropped. Before he could stop himself, the blue man blurted out, "You seriously have no idea, do you?!" Then he blushed when the other three looked at him weird. He motioned avidly at Zetsu. "It makes sense, don't it? I mean, me and him share all the same habits and stuff, it's the only explanation, ain't it?"

Itachi blinked and looked between the green-ette and the blue-ette. Something clicked and he began conversing with the other two in a language neither Zetsu nor Kisame understood. Zetsu raised a brow at Kisame who shrugged.

"I been best friends with 'Tachi for years and I still 'on't know what he's saying or what he's saying it in," the blue man answered to the unsaid question. Zetsu's mouth made an 'o' shape for a second as he nodded. Itachi continued talking. Now Zetsu saw where Sasuke got it from. He blinked.

"**Oh hell**," Black Zetsu said.

"What?" Kisame questioned dryly.

"Sasuke," answered White Zetsu. "Black is worried about what Mini-Orochi will think of Itachi-San."

"Who's Mini-Orochi?!" Itachi shut up and Black and White Zetsu went into hiding as the ever-boisterous voice of Tobi broke the tense atmosphere around them. Tobi told Hidan to squish in with Zetsu and Deidara gave Kisame puppy eyes. Soon, the blond and the brunette were sitting on the outside of the booth, munching on cakes and other delicate desserts. Hidan glanced at Zetsu, looked away, and had to do a double take. Mentally, Hidan gave a low whistle. Up close, Zetsu was _gorgeous_. Now he understood why Kisame kept blushing. Damn. _Damn_.

Hidan blinked as he felt Tobi poke his arm. "What do you want, you fucking chit?" he snapped, not taking his eyes off his new toy. Zetsu was listening as Itachi jabbered away and spoke. He didn't speak English or any other language the rest of the table could understand. Kisame blinked at him and replied to whatever he said in the same language. Zetsu's eyes widened and his voice took on an excited tone as he started talking to Kisame who talked back, equally excited. Zetsu leaned across the table, pressing his chest against Hidan to be able to be face-to-face with Kisame who was pushing Itachi out of his way.

"H-hey," murmured Hidan half-heartedly. Actually, now that he knew how lovely the boy was, he was perfectly content with the new close –almost _intimate_- contact between the two. Absently, because Zetsu obviously wasn't aware of it he was so into his conversation with Kisame- Zetsu rested the back of his black hand on Hidan's face and stroked it just as inattentively. He blinked. "O-oi… stop it, fucker." His voice didn't carry his usual malice and it didn't help that Zetsu's black hand was now playing with his hair. Kisame's eyes darted over quickly before focusing on Zetsu. He replied and Zetsu huffed, leaning back.

He nodded to himself. "I have to go call my uncle… Are you coming, Kisame-San?" asked the green-ette. The blue-ette nodded and waited. Zetsu rolled his eyes, glanced at Hidan as his black hand trailed down the man's pale face. A drop of sweat barely missed Zetsu's hand. The black and white teen put both hands on the table and propelled himself to his hands, flipping off the table. Kisame followed suit. The blue-ette waved to the others at the table.

"We'll be back!" he called before racing after Zetsu.

_Doom, doom, doom-doom._ Pein could've sworn that's what his heart beat sounded like, foretelling his impending doom. Great. Why couldn't the heart beat say _Life, life, life-life_?

--

**Sorry for the too-long taking update. But, I have a reason (this time)! I was making a picture thing for this story and K. Beauty. The links are on my profile and you should looks at them and tell me wotcha think~! Guess what Zetsu is~! MUAHAHAHAHA! **

**~Ja,**

**~Mickey~**


	5. Chapter 4::

**Like a Drug**

_Click_. "Hello, you have reached the Rinnengan residence. We are sorry to have missed your call, but we would appreciate a message, your name, and number and will call you back as soon as we can, thank you!"

Zetsu and Kisame glanced at each other from their odd position. Zetsu was holding the phone between their ears, Kisame was holding Zetsu like a lover would so as to better listen. The reason they didn't have speaker phone on was because of Orochimaru. They heard the tell-tale beep and Zetsu exhaled.

"Hey, Uncle Pein, Aunt Konan, it has come to my attention that…" He trailed off and Black Zetsu spoke because, honestly, Black Zetsu handled anger much better than White Zetsu. Black might not be as eloquent as White, but he got the point across in as much a monosyllabic way as possible. "**You've been hiding our heritage from us, dammit! How could you? After all this time, you knew and you LIED to us, for god's sake**!" Orochimaru continued writing, but it was obvious he was listening. He reached across his desk and grabbed a seal stamp, pressing it on the envelope. He added the envelope to the box of envelopes he had just as Zetsu spoke again. "Honestly, Uncle Pein, Aunt Konan. I do not feel comfortable knowing you've been hiding something this important from us. Honestly. **It is shameful that we had to find out from a boy we just met, really. No offence to you, Kisame-San.**"

"None taken," Kisame replied.

"I bid you farewell, Uncle, Aunt. Please return this call at the soonest time possible. I go to call Sasuke and Neji now." Zetsu nodded and hung up. He glared up at Kisame who released him immediately and they stepped apart. Zetsu nodded slightly to Orochimaru and left, Kisame in tow. Tobi, much to their shock, was waiting for them outside. His grin was in his voice as he spoke to them.

"Tobi was just coming to wait for Zetsu-San," he chirped.

Zetsu stared apathetically. "We see-"

Tobi cut him off, touching his forehead. A jolt of electricity went through both of Zetsu's minds. The green-ette glanced at the blue-ette in confusion. Said man was laughing heartily. Tobi's voice held an angry note to it. "Why can't I read your mind?" he hissed. "It's like Kisame!" Tobi took an angry step back, starin g at his gloved hand that was singed. Zetsu's black half smirked cockily and the white half gave a frown of disapproval. "Well, tell Tobi what you are that would make Kisame-San freak like that!"

Zetsu's black half frowned now so his face looked as normal as it could. He blinked in confusion and looked at Kisame, silently asking him if he 'freaked'. Kisame shrugged and Zetsu faced Tobi again. He shook his head and his black hand ruffled Tobi's hair and his black half smiled while his white half remained impassive. "**All in due time, dear heart**," replied Black Zetsu. Tobi squeaked at the name, like a girl would when her lover nipped her ear unexpectedly.

Zetsu shook his head and his _white_ hand, note the color, absently laced through Tobi's right hand (Zetsu's black side is on his right and his white side on his left) and tugged him off through the halls to the dorms. He got his dorm over the phone with Kabuto, thank _god_. He blinked himself away from the thoughts of Orochimaru calling with his dorm number. Tobi had stopped.

"Zetsu-San, _you're_ my new roommate?" Tobi asked.

--

"_I go to call Sasuke and Neji now_." Konan and Pein exchanged looks. Well _shit_. Konan sent Pein a murderous glare and screamed about wanting a divorce before she stormed out of the house to g to Anko's. Pein blinked in confusion. Oh. A divorce. Well, that's fine. Pein could go marry his other lover now –Namikaze Minato. Then Naruto and Zetsu would see each other more often. Naruto, Zetsu, Sasuke, Gaara, and Ino. Oh, gossip! Pein mentally shook himself –that had been the insanity that slowly killed off the Priests and Priestesses. You see, with every use of Compulsion, your sanity will slowly be erased from your mind, like a messy pencil mark on a paper.

Pein sat down on the dining room table where the phone and answering machine were. He buried his face in his hands and mentally figured how he would explain the secrets he kept from Zetsu to the boy. He had to be livid if he let Black Zetsu talk over the phone. Pein groaned thoughtfully as he massaged the bridge of his nose, the receiver in hand. He peeked at it through his fingers and glanced towards the kitchen. Konan wasn't returning any time soon. Sighing, he sat up properly and dialed the school's number. He then got Kabuto to transfer him to Zetsu's room.

"_Hello, room 212, Zetsu speaking_," Zetsu's polite voice rang out into Pein's ear.

"Zetsu," he said. He heard Zetsu take a breath. "I called to explain, though as an adult I shouldn't have to explain, I feel… I feel I _must_ explain to you, for you are like the son I've never had, Zetsu." Silence met his ears, urging him to continue. Zetsu sighed into the phone as he waited for Pein to get his bearings. "Konan." That one word had all the effect of a whole speech on Zetsu. His breath hitched and slowly, almost agonizingly so, Pein's 'son' began hyperventilating. It was perfectly understandable that he did, too. Konan was the one that seemed to love him, making Pein out to be the bad guy. Konan was the bitch that ruined Zetsu's life, pushing the blame on Pein to make Zetsu and Pein drift and Zetsu and Konan bond. So finding out Konan had been the one to keep secrets from Zetsu was painful for the green-ette. "Zetsu, Zetsu." Pein said slowly, trying to get his nephew's attention. "_Zetsu_." His nephew either couldn't hear him or couldn't stop hyperventilating. "Zetsu, where's your inhaler? Have one of your companions get it for you…"

"_Tobi… Inhaler…. __**Back, doofus…**_" Pein glared at the wall, angrily tapping his hands on the table as Zetsu continued panting. If he got hurt, Pein would be down there to kick this 'Tobi's' ass. Time ticked by and five minutes had passed with Zetsu slowly getting is breathing back. "_You mean to say Aunt Konan…_" He trailed off, but Pein nodded even though he knew Zetsu couldn't see.

"Yes."

"_I see…_" He paused. "_**Shut up, Tobi. Go mess with Kisame-San! Leave me alone, damn brat… **__Alright, I shall go to Hidan-Kun's room. What is his room number?_" Pein glared at the wall which literally rippled under his glare. "_Thank you,__ Kisame-San__. Alright, Uncle Pein, I've to go. I thank you for explaining._."

"Whatever, stupid brat," Pein said affectionately.

The phone clicked as it hung up.

--

Zetsu knocked twice on Hidan's dorm door. Hidan, for the most part, looked absolutely flabbergasted at seeing Zetsu but one look at the green-ette's face told him all he needed to know and he ushered him inside quietly, telling him to 'sit his fucking dipshit ass on the bed so he could get them a fucking coke.' Hidan's dorm mate looked up from the book he was reading (it was something about money, both Zetsus noted) and stared at the black'n'white man unwaveringly, thoughtfully. Zetsu stared back in shaky confusion, his mind still reeling with what just happened to him. He was shaking, he was sure, and he doubted the look on his face was any better than how he felt. He felt horrified, betrayed, _murdered_. He broke eye contact with the other and stared at his shaking hands. He rolled the sleeve of his black arm up and held both now bare arms next to each other, watching as the appendages shook. He rolled his single sleeve down and continued to stare. The door slammed open and a coke was tossed into Zetsu's lap.

"Oh, yeah, Zetsu, meet Kakuzu, my fucked up brother, Kakuzu, meet Zetsu, Tobi's new fucking play thing. Now that you fucking know each other, who shit in your food, Zetsu?" snapped the man with violet eyes. Zetsu felt the bed beside him droop slightly as Hidan placed his weight on it. Zetsu swallowed and his throat was thick as his white half tried to talk.

"…I never knew… Fuck…" He shook his head, blinking his eyes rapidly. What the hell?! He hadn't cried since he was six and that was when his adoptive parents died. He rubbed his eyes with his white arm. "Shit, I'm sorry…" Fuck! His voice was still choked up and he _knew_ he was going to cry. "**…Konan, our adopted aunt, betrayed us… Well no, she favored me. Anyways, we just called Uncle Pein and left a message about how the fucktard betrayed us. He called back and the news… Was not satisfactory. Apparently Aunt Konan, whom we had formed a familial bond with, was blackmailing Uncle Pein and forcing him from revealing our heritage**." Hidan watched as Black Zetsu was repressed, replaced with normal, shy, antisocial Zetsu. In the two hours they'd known each other, Hidan could tell when Black, White, or Normal Zetsu was there. Black Zetsu always had a slightly squinted eye, White Zetsu acted like he had a stick shoved too far up his ass for it to feel good, and Normal Zetsu… Well, Normal Zetsu looked like an abused little boy who never grew up.

Zetsu dropped his arm and opened the coke can. Kakuzu busted out laughing and Hidan let out a string of curses and Zetsu sat in shock as the can exploded all over him and Hidan who had opened his at the same time and had it explode as well. Zetsu dropped the can when it emptied and buried his face in his hands. Hidan looked angrily between his brother and Zetsu. "Fucker, it's f-" And Zetsu started laughing. He looked… Hidan jerked his head in the other direction as Zetsu laughed. It was, to Hidan and (surprisingly) Kakuzu, a beautiful sound, Zetsu's laughter.

Zetsu sat up and laughed, covering his mouth as he tried to stop laughing. Hidan stared blankly at the beautiful boy before him as did Kakuzu. "I-I apologize," Zetsu choked out. "That was just too ironic and much too funny." Hidan blinked.

"Oh, you fucking asshole! You used your fucking shit to compress science around the cans, didn't you?" Hidan demanded playfully.

Zetsu stared at him. "**Well fuck, Zetsu."** His response to himself sounded dejected. "I know… I guess we'll have to do that to Kisame-San." He nodded to himself as his black half absently licked some coke off his finger. "**Better yet, we could fucking do that to Aunt Konan.**" Zetsu jerked in surprise and went cross-eyed. "Of course," drawled White Zetsu in annoyance. "Yes, why didn't I think of that? That is the _best_ way of suicide. Then it seems like murder. Excellent idea, moron." Hidan raised a brow and sneered at his brother's curious look. "**Can you honestly blame me, Zetsu, for wanting to kill her?**" White Zetsu's half sighed. "No, I cannot. However, I can blame you for wanting to die. Furthermore, I can blame you for wanting our beloved Uncle thrown in prison because I am _fairly_ certain that she would somehow place the blame on him." Black Zetsu went silent before throwing his hand up. "**I concede…**"

Hidan ruffled Zetsu's hair in a show of affection as soon as the two Zetsus receded. A gentle (and _very_ shocking) smile graced Hidan's features and Zetsu covered his face in embarrassment. As soon as it had appeared, the gentleness of Hidan vanished. "Fuck you, Zetsu. You want you can use to fucking shower in the fucking bathroom to wash your fucking face and stuff of fucking coke."

Kakuzu spoke. "Not that I care, Hii-Kun, but _must_ you say 'fuck' for every adjective or adverb?" Hidan glared levelly at Kakuzu and the tension became visible. Zetsu rolled his eyes and stood.

"Adnoun[1]," he threw out. Both looked over at him, the same look in their eyes that asked 'Are you retarded?' He sighed and rolled his eyes. "Where are the towels? And what am I to do about clothes?" snapped Zetsu. Kakuzu blinked and shook his head, putting a bookmark in his book. He got to his feet and stretched and Zetsu blinked at his mask that he just noticed that only revealed his eyes.

_Kakashi_… Zetsu thought sadly.

"Towels are in the closet next to the bathroom. You can use some of my clothes," answered Kakuzu before Hidan could. He walked around his bed and winked at Zetsu when Hidan couldn't see and opened his closet, shifting through clothes. "Hii-Kun, which color fits him better? Pink or green?" Zetsu jerked his head up in shock and worry and found Hidan studying him.

"I say both. Little dickweed has 'youth' bursting at the seams. Pink shirt, green pants. Now I gotta fucking change the fucking blankets and stupid arse sheets," complained Hidan.

"Yeah, you do that," murmured Kakuzu absently. He tossed a bright pink shirt at Zetsu who caught it and stared at it, momentarily blinded by the brightness. He tossed a pair of green pajama pants at Zetsu as well as some fresh boxers. "Don't ruin those. They cost me _money_, okay?" Zetsu nodded, slightly shocked though his face showed nothing. "I assume you're going to be sleeping with Hidan tonight then?"

Zetsu blinked. "Pardon me, what?" His voice was underlined by uncertainty, which was completely understandable.

"He means," Hidan explained as he began to tie the dirty linen together, "that you're fucking staying the night, whether you –shit, the pillows- want to or not." He lugged the linen to the door and Zetsu rolled his eyes, walking to the bathroom. He opened the closet and, just to amuse the other two, picked a bright green, fluffy towel. Kakuzu raised a brow and climbed back onto his bed and Hidan snorted, his eyes rolling. Zetsu ignored their unsatisfactory reactions and entered the bathroom, locking it behind him. He set his outfit on the sink and placed his towel over it, peeling off his dirty clothes. He set them gently into the messy hamper with Hidan's name embroidered on it in red on black. Kakuzu's was green embroidered with his name in red. Slowly, Zetsu stepped over to the shower and pulled the curtain back. He turned the hot water on then the cold water, adjusting the bath faucet to his perfect temperature and he turned the shower on, waiting for it to warm up. He stared at his reflection as he waited and cringed. Hesitantly, as if he was scared, he touched his reflection. His pulled his hand back as if shocked and climbed into the shower, tugging the curtain closed.

He let the shower water run down his body, staring blankly at the pearl colored wall. He averted his gaze, tired of looking at his blurry reflection. He looked down at his half black, half white body and traced the marks adorning his chest. Birthmarks, welts, permanent bruises, scars… It was, he thought, disgusting to look at. It had been by some fluke that Ino accepted him so readily. It would be perfect, however, if she moved on the minute he was gone. His knees felt weak, as they always did when he thought of Ino. Because, Ino led to other thoughts, the thoughts of the origins of his scars…

"_You are nothing but a monster!"_

"_She gave you a home and _this_ is how you return our hospitality, Zetsu? How dare you? How does it make you feel to be hit?"_

"_Honey, stop it! He's only a boy! Accidents happen!"_

"_Accidents? Aina, he made your leg bleed! A scar is already forming, dammit!!"_

"_STOP IT, Kaito, STOP! Stop, stop, STOP IT! He's only a boy, he's a _child_ for pity's sake!"_

A knock on the bathroom door jerked Zetsu out of his thoughts. He was on his knees in the shower, holding his face. When had he fallen? He couldn't stand…

"Are you alright, Zetsu-Kun?" It was Kakuzu. "I heard you fall. Please don't get hurt in the shower. It might cost money to get the blood stains out or to pay the hospital bill for your injury." Zetsu shook his head.

_No,_ he thought, _no, I'm not alright. But…_ He wrapped his arms around his torso as he said he slipped but was fine. _If I told you the truth…. How would you react?_

He couldn't move his legs. He reached up and found a random set of shampoo and conditioner with matching body wash and washed his body down once again, as always, trying to rid himself of the double colors he had on permanently. Blood was creeping out of his torn up skin now as he climbed from the shower. He watched his blood fall onto the perfectly polished floor and dropped to his knees silently, rummaging around under the sink. Ah, there. He didn't bother with the disinfectant or gauze and went straight to wrapping his torso and legs up. Once that was done, he tugged the pair of boxers on and stared at his reflection. No more color.. No more… He shook his head and pulled on the shirt and pants. He towel dried his hair and used the water from it to clean his blood off the floor before tossing the towel into the hamper. He exited the room and flicked the light off. Hidan had just finished his bed and Kakuzu had just tugged his night shirt on. Hidan spun around and glared at him.

"What fucking took so lo-" he was cut off by a knock at the door. "There's the fucking chit."

He stepped to the door and Zetsu looked to Kakuzu for an explanation. "Tobi was concerned where you were and asked to spend the night. He's staying over as well, which is better, since… Oh, well you'll see in the morning." And Hidan flung the door open. Tobi bounded in with a sleeping bag in hand, a pillow, and he wore black and red pajamas. And, of course, Tobi's mask graced them with its presence as well.

"Zetsu-San, Tobi is staying over too! That's good, right? 'Cause Tobi does good things since Tobi's a GOOD BOY!" Zetsu rolled his eyes and gingerly walked to Hidan's bed. He glanced at Hidan boredly.

"Me, inside or outside?" he asked.

"Inside," Hidan murmured absently. He began yelling at Tobi, saying he had to lay down extra sheets on the floor due to coke explosion. Once Zetsu was settled, he said three words that made the other three freeze and stop whatever they were doing to register the words.

"I am Cerberus."

_Click_. "You have reached Tobi, Hidan and Kakuzu. I am terribly afraid to tell you that we are unable to answer the phone right now because we've just found out our new friend is the Hound that guards Hell. I hope your day, however, may proceed as normal. Thank you."

That was their reaction.

--

**Took me forever to decide who was going to be Cerberus and who was going to be the Hellhound (Zetsu or Kisame). Zetsu won the Cerberus. Okay, time for… NOTES!**

**[Adnoun]- my friend Levi was trying to say 'adverb' to the teacher. **

**Teacher: 'What describes and adjective and a verb? Adjectives describe nouns, but what describes adjective…? What is 'really'?'**

**Levi: 'Ad… Adjec- no.. Adv… ADNOUN!' **

**So yeah…**

**BAHAHAHA, so we meet Normal Zetsu, Serious Tobi, and KAKUZU!! And we got a peek at Zetsu's past and his feelings towards himself… What happens next? **

**Review,**

**Mickey~**


	6. Chapter 5::

**Like a Drug**

Today was not going to go well. Zetsu knew this the moment he woke up to the annoying chirping of someone's alarm. The night's events came back to him.

--

"_I am Cerberus." Even Black Zetsu, who was normally a total dick, was solemnly serious. Kakuzu __**[1]**__, Tobi, and Hidan stared blankly at him. A rush of thoughts hit them all at once._

_Hidan pointed accusingly at Zetsu, "I KNEW I recognized your faggot ass from somewhere!" He tackled Zetsu in a hug, giving him a hardcore noogie. "God, you fucking brat, I missed you _soooooo_ much!" cooed the white haired man. Zetsu and Kakuzu stared at him in confusion. Tobi was still silent. "What? Don't tell me you don't remember you shit face!" he snapped at Kakuzu. "Don't you remember the Cerberus and Hellhound from like fucking years ago? Our old neighbors and their two shit head kids?"_

_Kakuzu stared for a moment more before realization dawned on him. "Ah, yes, that would be Zetsu-Kun and Kisame, correct?"_

"_Yeah, and their fucktastic parents!" continued Hidan._

_Zetsu's black half interrupted. "__**You knew our parents, shit head?**__" White Zetsu continued, "_What? You mean to tell me Kisame-San is our brother?!_" Hidan nodded._

_Tobi chose that moment to intervene, though his voice wasn't… Tobi. "I see… So, finally Cerberus, Hellhound, and their followers have regrouped. It does make sense… Ah, yes, I understand now... How long have we been waiting for this?"_

_Hidan let go of Zetsu and walked to Tobi. "Fuckface, you feeling okay?" he said, peering at Tobi's one brown-now-red-and-black eye. _

_Tobi shook his head, his eye returning to the brown. "Yup, Tobi's just great! Let's go to bed now!"_

--

"WAKE UP, ZETSU-SAN! Hidan-San and Kakuzu-San are sitting on Kakuzu-San-"

"Ionwanna……" Zetsu muttered, hiding under the blankets.

"Come on, Zetsu-San, time for school!!" Tobi's annoying voice chirped.

"I dun wanna…" moaned the Cerberus, hiding his head under a pillow. The comforter was yanked off of him.

"Zetsu-_San_. Get up now," Tobi scolded.

"UH-UH!!!" Zetsu screamed.

"Zetsu-San. _Now_."

"NUH-UH! I DUN WANNA!! UH-UH!!" screamed the green-ette, hiding his body in the pillows.

"ZETSU! I've had _enough_ of this attitude! I hope you're not like this every morning or we might have problems. GET UP _**NOW**_!" **[2]** yelled Tobi, grabbing one of Zetsu's legs. He pulled the half-'n'-half out of the bed and dragged him into the bathroom, throwing him into the shower before blasting the cold water. Zetsu's shriek was so high that only dogs would've heard. Tobi covered his ears and watched to make sure Zetsu actually got into the shower. "Can you scream any louder, Zetsu-Sa- oooooh, it is two colors too?"

Zetsu, who had taken his bandages, pants and boxers off while Tobi was talking, was in the middle of removing his shirt when Tobi said that. His shirt was pried off as Tobi's body tackled him. Tobi straddled Zetsu's knees and stared down at his body. Zetsu's face was slowly, _slowly_, heating up. Tobi trailed his fingers teasingly up Zetsu's legs, around the outside of his thighs, and up his torso. They lingered on his face for a second before trailing back down to his thighs. All the while, Tobi was intently watching Zetsu's face. Both halves were blushing. Black half was glowering at Tobi darkly, promising death whereas White half had his eye squeezed shut; White's red was darker than on Black's, despite the color difference.

"Sugoi… _Everything's_ two colors, Zetsu-San…" whispered the brunette.

"_Isn't that cute, Aina? He's two colors everywhere."_

"_Stop it, Kaito. Get off of Zetsu. He's only a boy!"_

"_Aww, but it's super fun, Aina-Chan. Look, see, even his balls are different colors!"_

"_Kaito, don't do anything you'll know I'll hate you for?"_

"_What, like this?"_

"_KAITO!"_

"_Sugoi, he can scream _loud_, Aina-Chan. Do you think I hurt him?"_

"_He's only six years old and you're fucking him! Of course he's hurting! GET OFF HIM! GET OUT OF HIM! Oh, Kaito, please stop hurting Zetsu! He's my son!"_

Zetsu blinked out of his memories and stared fearfully up at Tobi who was focused on his belly button. "Hey, Zetsu-San, how come your belly button's two colors? It looks funny. Everything else looks nice, Zetsu-San, but not your belly button." Tobi looked up at Zetsu and hastily scrambled off him. He shook his head and bowed, apologizing over and over again. Zetsu glared angrily, even his white half angry. Tobi took the hint and dashed out of the room, shutting the door behind him. Zetsu sighed and adjusted the water temperature to his preferred heat and climbed in, pulling the curtains shut. White Zetsu's hand curled into a fist, punching the tiled wall while Black Zetsu gripped his side of green hair.

He heard the other three muttering; they were probably talking about him. "**Dammit… God **_**dammit**_!" Black snarled. "**For fuck's sake, I thought we'd erased those memories! Why **_**now**_**?**" White groaned and let his hand slide down the wet wall before falling like a wet noodle to his side. He glared at the bottom of the bath, watching as the warm water washed the dried blood from his body. "I… I do not know… I thought… I thought they were buried… I…" _I don't want to open the box… The box I've seals all my memories in… I want to keep it closed. __**I want… I want to keep our host safe and keep the memories before our birth sealed and hidden… **_"_But_," piped up a voice that came from both mouths… Normal Zetsu. He never spoke when they were out. "_I don't know what's going on, but… I think we should be happy for everyone. We can sort this out during the night, like when Aunt Konan and Uncle Pein fought and we'd go out onto the roof._" Both Zetsus smiled and repressed, leaving Normal Zetsu confused as to why they left.

He shook his head and blinked; everything the other two remembered rushing back to him. He swallowed; so this was what the problem had been… He wanted to scream… Scream… No! He shook his head, holding it as he flung water from his emerald locks. He shut the shower off, foregoing the washing process and grabbed a towel someone had evidently laid out while he was showering. Clothes were there as well. He didn't care that they were gay-looking. He just… He was in _pain_. And he didn't know what to _do_. Because, like White Zetsu had said, the boxes were opening. The boxes the three of them closed together, sealed tightly, and compulsion-ed away… He was dressed, hovering over the sink with only his arms supporting him. It wasn't water running down his face, it was sweat. Tears filled his eyes as the two memories the slipped out of the boxes replayed in his head over and over and over and over and over and over again. He closed his eyes as tears leaked out, panting painfully. A string of saliva fell from his mouth as he tried to force the memories back. There was a knock on the door.

"Zetsu-Kun, I'm going to come in now. You've been in the bathroom for much too long." And the door swung open. A black shadow slipped in, shutting the door in about a millisecond. The shadow took shape and slowly became Kakuzu who then peered at Zetsu who hadn't acknowledged his presence. "Zetsu-Kun?"

"It hurts…" he panted. "It… I want to _die_," he finally whispered with conviction.

Kakuzu took his forearms and turned him to face him. Yellow eyes met green-red eyes. "No," Kakuzu emphasized lowly, well aware of Hidan and Tobi trying to listen in. "No, you do not want to die." Zetsu opened his mouth to protest. Slowly, the other covered the duo colored mouth with a dark brown hand. "Sh. Listen. Living is good. There may be times where we do not wish to continue on. This may be one of those times for you, Zetsu-Kun, but believe me. There are people that would not be able to go without you in their lives. I am one of those people. Alright?"

Zetsu nodded once. "Good. Besides," Kakuzu added as he released Zetsu and opened the door. He glanced over his shoulder. "Your funeral would cost oodles of money… Cerberus-Sama." Zetsu glowered as he followed Kakuzu out. The glower, however, wasn't… Mean… it was resigned.

"Zetsu-San~!"

"Zetsu!"

Zetsu looked up and almost fell over. He brought his hand up to cover his mouth slightly as he laughed. Hidan wore a bright pink tank top with a fluffy bunny on it saying 'Embrace the Love –Feed a Bunny Today!' in rainbow colors and bright purple pants with pink pockets. Tobi wore a bright pink long sleeved shirt that had rainbows and such on it saying, 'L-O-V-E-LOVE LOVE!' across the bottom in darker pink and his pants were like Hidan's. Zetsu smiled and laughed lightly. It was a really cute sight to see them with their arms linked. Hidan was scowling, but it was a nicer scowl than usual and Tobi's one visible brown eye sparkled and he had the peace sign up. Zetsu opened one eye and peeked at the duo. He began giggling again.

"Thank you," he said, "thank you!"

Only Kakuzu seemed to understand it.

Maybe this day wouldn't suck so bad.

Oh, how wrong he was.

--

1 Kakuzu- Have you guys seen 'The Cat Returns' from Studio Ghibli? Well, if you have, whenever I type Kakuzu talking or thinking, I hear Baron's voice –from TCR. 'When you find yourself troubled with something mysterious… Or a problem that's hard to solve, there's a place you can go where you'll always find help… You just need to look for it.' Baron's so cool! And then, you all know Fruits Basket, the MANGA not anime, right? Well, when I write Kakuzu doing motions –well, just not talking or thinking- I imagine Kakuzu like Aaya. I dunno why, but Kakuzu just seems like an Aaya to me… After I finish Kitsune Beauty, I'm going to make a Fruit Smoothie –Fruits Basket turned Naruto.

2 Zetsu Waking Up –What perspired between Zet and Tobi when waking up is the morning routing b/w me and my mom –I'm Zet and she's Tobi. And god does she get pissed…

Oh, and for those of you who read Double Edged Sword –IDK who you are- do you think I need to up the rating to 'M'? I think I might… Just your opinions… Maybe if you only read LAD, you could go read DES and tell me…?

Oh, and what'cha think of the Zetsu/Kakuzu fluff in this chapter? It's cute, ne?


	7. Chapter 6::

**Like a Drug**

Ah yes, the infamous staring at Zetsu Day has returned. It took one year for the students at his last school to get used to his multi-colored face and odd quirks. And his strange outfit, which he didn't see until Itachi asked him is Tobi got him involved in _it_, wasn't helping him much. It was Normal Zetsu that walked into the classroom and stared apathetically at the people in front of him. However, it was Normal, Black, and White Zetsu that commenced with the introductions.

"_I am Zetsu. Actually, Normal Zetsu in the mindscape, right_?" spoke both halves of lips. The white half of lips answered, "Why, yes, you are the normal one of the three of us. Dare I say it, I think you're much more like me than Mr. Temperamental." And the black half responded loudly, "**Shut up!! I know where you sleep at night, Zetsu!**" His answer was, "Oh, heaven forbid!"

The class just stared with their jaws dropped, looking like complete idiots. Zetsu shook his head and it was clear that only Normal Zetsu was left. He smiled pleasantly, but it was entirely fake; and said, "Regard me kindly." A loud burst of applause came from the back of the room and everyone turned to look. Tobi had given Zetsu a standing ovation.

Cheerfully, he said, "Good job, Zetsu-San!" Zetsu offered a quirk of the lips and went to sit in the empty seat beside one of the other two from yester; Sasori or Deidara, he didn't remember which was which. Well, it was the red head. He nodded at Zetsu who nodded back and class commenced with the teacher, Tayuya.

"Any questions?!" yelled the teacher with about ten minutes left of class. She had just finished explaining a math problem.

The kid beside Zetsu raised his hand. Deidara or Sasori? Zetsu was still struggling with that. "Sasori!" she thundered. Sasori then.

"Yes, according to Zetsu-Kun's work, you've done the problem entirely wrong," the red head chided. The red haired woman stared at him before shifting her gaze over to Zetsu.

"You little shit!" she exclaimed fondly. "You get an A for the semester!" she cheered. Zetsu tilted his head cutely to the side for a moment. She grinned. "None of the other fuckers around you have ever kept up with my work like you!"

Tobi jumped onto his desk, pulling a reluctant Hidan up with him. "YAY ZETSU-SAN!" yelled the brunette. Zetsu folded his arms across his chest and jerked his head away, glaring at the door as a blush covered his face. Sasori gave Zetsu a knowing look as he scooped up Zetsu's bag when the bell rang. Zetsu stood and fell silently into step with Sasori, thanking god he knew the kid's name.

Sasori had both bags over his left shoulder, using his left hand to hold them in place. He took Zetsu's left hand with his right hand. He swung them absently between them as they were swept away with the students. Tobi and Hidan screaming their names could be heard.

--

Pein dragged a hand down his face as he, Minato, Konan, and her new toy (whose name Pein conveniently forgot) waited for their lawyer. Minato was drawing soothing circles on the back of Pein's hand, on the table, where Konan was glowering. Sighing, the orange haired priest glanced at Minato. Minato was a sapphire; he could control the elements but he prospered especially in wind. His son (whose parents were undetermined) was a pearl for he was the God of Demons, the heir of the Kyuubi no Kitsune, the strongest demon god in history. His death had been a tragedy and the method of death was uncertain. He was reported dead by a ten year old Naruto Kitsune but there was no body to be told of. Naruto's mate, Sabaku no Gaara, was the ruling Demigod of demons, but instead of half god half human, he was half mortal demon half immortal demon. He could die but it was more impossible than killing the Kyuubi's heir as he was a half breed.

Konan growled something and the woman beside her tried to soothe her. Pein pinched the bridge of his nose and spoke. "I get full custody of Zetsu," he said slowly.

"Pardon?" snarled Konan. "No, _I _get full custody of the monstrosity."

Minato's eyes darkened and a breeze brushed through the room. Only Konan seemed to pay it no mind. Pein sighed and squeezed Minato's hand. Konan kept talking, going on about how the boy would need a woman's touch over vacations and what not that he couldn't get since he was gay. She spat the word gay like a disease. The slight breeze picked up to a heavy gust of wind. Konan yelped.

"Would someone close that damn window!" she burst.

"Konan-Kun," the woman beside her whispered, "the window is shut…"

Konan glowered. "Then what the hell is that wind, Karin?"

Ah, Karin. Pein filed her name away for future reference. Karin shuddered under Konan's glare and her eyes darted over to Minato whose eyes had, by now, turned glowing neon blue. Konan blinked. She was about to respond when the door swung open. The wind died down and Minato sat up straight, smiling as if nothing had happened. Pein leaned into him and sighed in annoyance at Konan's glare. But their lawyer. Pein picked up the thick folder Minato had piled together for the divorce and leaned away from said blond. With that, he bashed his face into the folder repeatedly. He was slowly going insane… Much too slowly.

Konan had near the same reaction as her soon-to-be ex-husband. She slammed her face against the table; knowing she lost custody over the boy. Pein's problem wasn't that he would gain custody, it was that Zetsu would be over emotional when he found out who saved his life from the fiery pits of hell. The lawyer, dressed in a fine pressed suit, perky pink tie, gravity defying hair, and a mask that covered nearly all of his face except for his right eye, lifted a hand and said, "Yo."

Pein and Konan shot to their feet and, in perfect unison, pointed at him and screamed loudly, "KAKASHI?!?!?" Yep, that was the insanity talking.

Hm. Today must be Stare at Pein and Konan Day.


	8. Chapter 7::

**Like a Drug**

"Ah," spoke Zetsu before pushing his bowl of ramen away. Yes, well, I'm sure you're wondering what happened. Let's just say, there's no way Zetsu is going to eat ramen again.

Tobi laughed lightly under his mask and pulled Zetsu's ramen towards him, inhaling it. Itachi watched on while snacking on some pocky and Hidan stared at Tobi in disgust. Kisame was too busy laughing his ass off to pay any attention. Yes, Kisame was the one that scarred Zetsu and Hidan for life. Zetsu covered his mouth with his white hand.

"Zetsu?" Hidan asked. Itachi was way ahead of both of them. He dropped his pocky on the table, threw Kisame from the booth, made a mental note to stop sitting in booths, and yanked Zetsu out and to the trash can behind their booth just before the teen vomited. Sasori and Deidara, who had been walking over, stopped and stared blankly. Hidan looked at both of them, their ramen, and pushed Tobi from the booth, jumping out. He went to the trash can beside the one Zetsu was in and he too promptly tossed his cookies.

Behind Zetsu, someone clicked their tongue in annoyance. "Clearly neither of you are fit for the rest of the day at school," these words were accompanied by an exasperated sigh. "I shall call the doctor. Deidara-Kun, help me escort Hii-Kun and Zetsu-Kun to my room please."

Oh… Kakuzu… Oh… No, no, no! He couldn't move! He felt a hand on his shoulder and vomited again. What the shit?! Fuck, fuck, what the fuck? He only ever vomited like this when… Oh no…

--

"_Hello," spoke a voice. Zetsu swallowed and tried to sink his body into the cushions. Due to the drugs, Black and White had both been locked out of his mind for the past year. No. No. Oh god. "How _are_ you today, my little Venus?"_

_Zetsu shuddered, hiding his face in his hands. He hated this man so much. So, so, so, _so_ much that it hurt. "NO!" cried out the little boy. "No, I'm not your Venus. Dammit, I'm not even an immortal!"_

_The man smirked and settled back in the plush chair across from the duo colored boy. He picked up his tea and took a sip of it, his vicious teeth glinting as he leaned out of the shadows. The room was dark, the only light coming from the moonlight from the open window. Zetsu whimpered at the man's purr as he sipped his tea and curled in on himself. _

"_Aa," spoke the other, "you'd be surprised."_

_Zetsu scoffed. "Hn. And you know about my parents?"_

_The man's lips split into a smile and he answered slowly, taunting. "Of course. I know all."_

_Zetsu shook his head. "LIAR! YOU FUCKING LIAR! __**I fucking agree**__. _Of course you would agree, fool, because that is something you would say, ne, Kit? _Yep."_

_The other figure choked on his tea. "I SEALED THEM AWAY!" he thundered. Zetsu 'tsk'ed and smiled cheerfully at him._

"_Aa, Zabuza-Danna, you should know better. Zet-Kun and Su-Chan always return to me. __Always__." Zabuza sneered and stood. He silently walked around the coffee table that stood between the child and him. A raised hand was all Zetsu saw before he was sent sprawling, spots of different colors raping his vision and pain exploded where his head connected with the corner of the computer desk. He hissed and touched the back of his head. No lump yet. He dearly prayed for a lump so he wouldn't have a concussion. _

_Zabuza sighed. "See what you made me do, my Venus? I didn't want to hurt you, but you forced my hand."_

_Zetsu's eyes went wild. "_That is utter bologna and you'll do well to remember that fact, good sir!_** Yeah, what the Brit said! That's bullshit and you know it, fucker! **_Oh, do refrain from such language. I think Zetsu-Kun is picking up on it, Su-Chan._ No, it's fine. I'll survive."_

_Zabuza sighed. "Oh, you might like to know, your future mate is coming over again…" There was the dreadful sound Zetsu grew to hate following Zabuza's words; the ringing of a doorbell. "By golly," Zabuza said, "that'll be him. Go get ready for your love- Where're you going?!" Zabuza exclaimed, watching as Zetsu moved to the nearest trashcan before puking his all. "I'll send him up to care for you… Again…" Zabuza smirked as Zetsu continued to puke up the contents of his stomach. Stupid orphanage with their own stupid mating rules… Stupid…_

--

Zetsu swallowed back the bile threatening his lips again and looked up, his cat-like yellow orbs searching the room. Oh god… The sound of Zetsu retching was the only thing in the cafeteria. Even Hidan had stopped and was holding Zetsu up with Tobi's help while trying to figure out when Tobi had moved. Kakuzu was on the phone with someone, probably a doctor, and Kisame was hovering nervously, trying to get close to his master.

"Oh," said the familiar voice came. Zetsu's body began shaking rapidly and he mentally begged Zet and Su to take over. Zet and Su, get it? Yeah, Zetsu wasn't creative and then it got confusing so they shifted to White and Black. White was Zet and Black was Su but the colors fit instead of Zet, Su, and Zetsu. "Oh, honey, are you sick again? Want me to care for you?"

And, thank Cerberus (this warranted a mental scoff from the trio of Zetsu's mind) Black and White listened and Normal stopped puking. Black wiped the shared mouth and both stepped back, hiding behind Hidan and Tobi. "**What the hell do you want?** Last time I checked, which was just two weeks prior, you were enrolled in the Seven Swordsman's Academy for Boys."

The person clicked their tongue just as Kakuzu came back. The person didn't answer White's words but spoke on a new topic, "Is he still sick of me?"

"**Of course he is, you… Being of questionable gender!** Oh, _very_ eloquent, Su-Chan. Honestly. And these damned memories. What kind of nicknames wee we given? **Shut up, Zet-Kun. And TALK to Zetsu while I deal with Mr. I'm Gender-Confused over there.**"

--

"Wait… What are you saying?!" thundered Pein, forgetting the divorce momentarily.

Minato tugged Pein back into his seat. "Are you fucking saying that asshole is tearing up Zetsu's life a-fucking-gain?!" Konan screeched indignantly. Karin sighed.

Kakashi cleared his throat. "I _did_ try, mind you, so you cannot place the blame on me," he began.

"Try?!" screeched Konan.

Pein finished, "TRY THE FUCK HARDER AND GET THEM OUT OF ZETSU'S LIFE!!!"

Kakashi glared with his one eye. "I… You both know that it will be hell and high water if I enter Zetsu-Chan's life again. We've had pretty rocky business despite me saving him and all," whispered the grey-haired man.

This time, however, Minato spoke. "I can get you into the school so tightly that not even Orochimaru can object."

All of the other occupants sans Pein looked at him weirdly while Pein gushed. That was the insanity talking!

--

"Who are you and what've you done to Tobi's Zetsu-San?" exclaimed the brunette. Hidan glared at Tobi.

Hidan glared at Tobi. "_Your_ Zetsu? Since fucking when? Last I checked he was unclaimed, dammit!"

Kakuzu sighed. "Hii-Kun, _please_ refrain from swearing!" he cried almost hysterically. "It's annoying."

The other figure cleared his throat. "Er, I believe," he began but was cut off when Kabuto came jogging in.

"Zetsu-Kun?" he inquired, taking the Cerberus with him. Silence followed as the entire student body of Akatsuki Academy for Boys watched Zetsu be carried out by Kabuto. During this time, Hidan took the opportunity to inspect the boy before him. Wait, what? That kid was a boy? He had long black hair pulled into a ponytail and his face… Shit, his face. His eyes were feminine but had a masculine tint to the color and his face was angular, giving him the 'underestimate me so I can kick your ass' look. And he pulled that look off excellently.

His power levels, however, seemed to match Kisame's, meaning he was almost s strong as Zetsu. He had an evil aura about him as well.

--

"Alright… Thank you for applying for this position, Hatake-Kun. Um. I know it's a rush but…" Orochimaru paused as he peered thoughtfully at Kakashi Hatake. What was he supposed to say? He needed Kakashi to start today, but how could he tell him? DAMN! This was Kabuto's job but no, Zetsu had to go get sick. Oh, would Zetsu's body flush when he was sick? Oh, oh, would his body flush darker when being fucked while being sick? Oh, that would be delicious. Orochimaru shuddered in delight, his fingers grasping the cloth of his pants tightly to withhold his pleasure. Kakashi slowly inched his chair away from the headmaster.

Orochimaru shook himself from his creepy pedophilic fantasies and smiled at Kakashi. "This might seem a bit forced, but could you possibly start today?"

Kakashi smiled through his mask. "Any time works for me, Headmaster."

Orochimaru clapped giddily. "Oh, hooray! New staff members~!" he practically sang as he stood. And was it just Kakashi or did flowers just burst from behind Orochimaru?

--

"Mating," the boy blurted. Hidan, Zetsu, Kakuzu, Kisame, Itachi, Deidara, Sasori, and Tobi looked at him weird "There is only one person who owns Zetsu-Chan is his mate."

Hidan paused. "Do what now?"

The weird person sighed. "Zetsu-Chan recently came into his Cerberus powers, meaning now he can chose a mate. But," he gave a glare that told everyone to shut up, "there _is_ a catch."

"Yes?" inquired Hidan. "What is the catch?" Kakuzu blinked at his brother before shaking his head and looking at the informer.

The teen winked. "His mate has to be nearly as powerful as him, like a vampire demon."

"Ah…" Itachi dropped his stick of pocky into the trashcan accidentally. Everyone looked at him. "Me?"

--

**

* * *

**

**YATTA! Sorry about the lack of update. I gots me some boy problems. As **in, he's confusing me and sending mixed messages! It's annoying. SO, yeah. K. Beauty should be updated soon. Oh, yeah, and here we reach the end of Arc One of LAD. Arc One was my character builder arc, so arc two, Zetsu becomes more… Um… Yeah and the courting process beings~! This chapter and (more specifically) the Orochi/Kaka part goes out to… You guess it~! Hotaru-Chan~! NatsuHotaru, peoples~!

**Ja~**

**Mickey~**


	9. Arc Two::Like a Drug:: Chapter 8

**Like a Drug**

**Arc Two- The Courting**

--

_**All Star**_

"_**Well the years start coming and they don't stop coming  
Back to the rule and I hit the ground running  
Didn't make sense not to live for fun  
Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb"**_

Zetsu had the feeling he was either going to dread the end of the day or love it. The same could not be said for the beginning of the day.

Zetsu shuddered at the cool touch of the hand ghosting across his naked belly, sweat covering his brow. He whined loudly and blinked, breathing heavily. His yellow eyes met the brown ones hovering over his own. He glared.

"God," he panted. "I hate having Haku-Sama around. He makes me sick; literally."

Kabuto smiled down at his patient as the result of the stomach scan came up. The silver haired young man raised a brow, pushing up his glasses. Zetsu stared curiously.

"Ne, Zetsu-San," Kabuto began. He peered up at his patient. "It's because you haven't mated yet." Zetsu's eyes dilated.

--

_**What if God Was One of Us**_

"_**What if God was one of us  
Just a slob like one of us  
Just a stranger on the bus  
Trying to make his way home"**_

Haku tilted his head to the side and smiled. "I apologize," he bowed, "I seem to have forgotten my manners. My name is Haku Momochi."

Both Hidan and Kakuzu stepped forward, glaring at this 'Haku'. "Hidan and Kakuzu," they said in unison. Haku raised his brows but smiled in polite confusion. Um. He didn't know how to react. Kisame tilted his head to the side.

"Yo, th' name's Kisame," the blue man chimed. "Kis'me Hoshigaki."

"I am Sasori," the red head whispered softly. "He," the apathetic teen nudged Deidara, "is Deidara." Itachi remained silent, still staring in shock that someone with _his_ power level was to mate Zetsu. Tobi was watching Haku with a glare in his lone eye; taking in every aspect of the boy.

"Of course," whispered Haku, turning his brown eyes on Itachi, "_everyone_ knows Itachi Uchiha, the Vampire in Hiding." Itachi's eyes narrowed as he munched on a pocky stick. "But…" Brown eyes flicked to Tobi's eye. "I don't remember having ever heard nor met you, Tobi."

Kisame glared and stepped in front of his brunette friend. "Then how do ya know him, ya freak?" the blue man demanded. Haku grinned.

"I know _everyone and everything_," he whispered. He smirked darkly at the shocked looks of all but Itachi and Tobi.

Tobi pushed Kisame to the side and approached Haku, walking around him thoughtfully. Haku watched him with a smug smirk on his face. He knew what Tobi was. He knew what Tobi had said to Zetsu in the shower, he knew what happened there; he knew what Tobi was. Tobi froze, mid step and leapt away from Haku nimbly.

"How do you know?" Tobi whispered harshly. Haku continued smirking smugly.

"How do I know what?" he taunted. He knew Tobi was getting angrier and angrier, he was going to blow and give his cover if he didn't calm down.

"How. Do. You. _Know_?" hissed the mask-wearing brunette. Haku sighed.

"Be specific Tobi, how do I know _what_? I know a great many things," he purred.

"What I am," Tobi answered darkly.

"Oh, that?" Haku laughed mockingly. "Why, it's not that hard."

"What are you?" Tobi sprung unexpectedly. Haku smiled peacefully.

"That's quite easy and it is no secret. Even Venus knows what I am," Haku explained. "My clan name is very simple; I'm sure you can guess it."

--

_**Falling Inside the Black**_

"_**Your touch used to be so kind  
Your touch used to give me life  
I've waited all this time, I've wasted so much time"**_

Orochimaru sighed and put his pen down, stamping the current letter he was working on. Kakashi was still sitting on his couch for some reason, but he'd managed to block the other man out. It was odd. Stretching, the pale man stood and Kakashi saw flowers bloom behind Orochimaru. It was weird. Walking over to the Nurse's Office, Orochimaru knocked gently.

"Kabuto-Kun, how isssssssss Zetssssssssssu-Kun?" Orochimaru called. The door swung open, showing an amused Kabuto.

"Well, Orochimaru-Sama, Zetsu-San appears to be in shock."

"Oh?"

"Yes. Apparently, he didn't know he had to- Zetsu-San! You can't go yet!" Kabuto and Orochimaru followed Zetsu's progress from the room with their eyes. Zetsu stood beside Orochimaru's desk, staring at the masked man on the couch.

"Y-"

"Kakashi," the green-ette cut off. "What are you doing here? **We want you out of our fucking life, you cock sucker!**" Kakashi cringed at the crude words and spoke.

"Zetsu-Sama," he murmured. "Believe me, if it weren't for Fukurokuju Momochi Haku, I would not be here, trust me. You, me, we don't go so well." Zetsu stepped back and swallowed, his heart pounding. He wanted to forgive Kakashi, in his mind. In his heart, he wanted to believe Kakashi.

"_Eh, Zetsu-Chan," the silver haired man said as the pair settled down for a movie in Kakashi's home. "How's your girlfriend doing, Ino-Chan?"_

_Zetsu glared half-heartedly at the man. "Ino-Chan… Is on vacation; she came in to her heritage today and so Inoichi-Sama wants to train her." Kakashi nodded tensely. "Say, Kashi-Chan? What am I?"_

_Kakashi cleared his throat. "What say you about the movie, Zetsu-Chan?"_

Zetsu and Kakashi stared at each other. "I…" Zetsu trailed off, not knowing what to say.

"_Kashi-Chan, you know what I am, right?" Zetsu asked. Kakashi just blinked. "Well, am I a diamond, sapphire, or a pearl?" Kakashi looked away._

"_How should I know, Zetsu-Chan? Maybe your new parents will know," Kakashi replied tersely. He regretted it after seeing the hurt in the teen's eyes._

"You've been lying to me all my life, Kakashi," Zetsu accused.

"I-I know," Kakashi stuttered out. "I know," he whispered in shame. "And I regret every moment of it." Kakashi watched Zetsu warily. "I understand if you do not forgive me, Gaki."

"_ZETSU!" Kakashi ran at the stunned duo colored teen and tackled him to the ground, both narrowly missing being hit by a demon's attack. Kakashi stood up and assumed a protective and offensive position in front of Zetsu. _

"_Kashi…"_

"_I _will_ keep you safe, Zetsu, no matter what."_

"_Like with Z… Z…."_

"_Yes, only I will never let you near people like that again."_

"But," Zetsu went on, "you protected me. Always." Kakashi nodded only once. "You kept your promise… You kept Momochi and Fukurokuju away…" Kakashi grinned wryly under his mask.

"Aye, I did so," he said solemnly. Zetsu hesitantly stepped towards the man before recoiling. He couldn't… He could not take Kakashi back… Not after… Not after what he _did_.

"But you _left_ me," Zetsu cried out hysterically. "You left me, you left me all alone, all alone! The only reason I'm here is because Ino sent out a search team for me!" Kakashi bowed his head.

He did not deny what Zetsu accused.

"And…" Zetsu completed his step. "I miss my Kashi-Chan."

Kakashi looked up. "Nah, you totally missed my porn." Zetsu's eye twitched.

"**Fuck you, douche.** What the ineloquent bimbo said, my dear. Please do us all a favor and throw yourself from a cliff. Just because the two idiots of my body forgave you, I still do not. Do you've any idea what we went through in _there_? **You dipshit, Zet. **Ah, you are such a dolt."

However, it seemed only Kakashi missed the fact that Zetsu never said he forgave Kakashi.

--

_**This is Halloween**_

"_**I am the "who" when you call, "Who's there?"  
I am the wind blowing through your hair"**_

Haku smiled solemnly, waiting patiently. Tobi was frozen in shock as was Itachi; both had already guessed who Haku was and knew they were right. Sasori was mentally going through all Wise Gods and Demigods in the world; narrowing down his choices. Deidara knew already and really didn't care because everyone knew what he was. Hidan, Tobi, and Sasori were the only demons that were not known the type of. Hidan and Kakuzu were both looking confused.

"Shall I make it easier?" Haku asked. "There are three Pearls, only one of them known."

Hidan froze in place as did his brother while Sasori went in lock down, his brown eyes turning grey, his red hair going grey. Deidara held Sasori up and waited patiently for the demon to come out of lock down.

Itachi slowly began shaking his head. "F… F… Fukurokuju…" he stuttered out, temporarily having forgotten how to speak. "He knows all, sees all, he is a Demigod, unlike the Sabaku Demigod, Haku Momochi Fukurokuju is a _true_ Demigod. He is descended from the God Fukurokuju and the woman Natalie of the Clovers. Fukurokuju is known as the god of wisdom, luck, and prosperity, not specifying on the type of luck. Natalie, however, was a human woman cursed to the fate of having exceedingly good luck forever, so she never failed or made mistakes and never learned. All descendents of them are all-knowing, prosperous, and have ridiculously good luck."

Hidan swallowed. "So…." his voice was a whisper. "He knows?"

Itachi nodded once as Sasori's hair reddened and his eyes turned brown again. Haku smiled at him. It was not a _smile_, however, it was mockery of Sasori.

"Yes, I wondered when you would notice," Haku murmured.

"Wonder?" Kisame's voice was hysteric. "If you are all-knowing, then how can ya wonder?!"

Haku sighed. "Ridiculously good luck. I happen to be lucky enough to select the things I want to know." Kisame glowered and drew himself to his full height.

"I dunno about y'all, but I want to check on my brother," he announced. That snapped Tobi out of being frozen and he nodded.

"Tobi would like to come! Tobi wants to see Zetsu-San! Maybe Zetsu-San can play with Tobi if he's feeling better!" the brunette shouted cheerfully.

"Don't count on it, un. Danna, un, you coming, yeah?" Deidara spoke first to Tobi then to Sasori. Soon, the troop (Kisame, Hidan, Kakuzu, Itachi, Tobi, Deidara, and Sasori) were off to see Zetsu.

--

_**I Will Be**_

"_**I will be all that you want and get myself together  
'Cause you keep me from falling apart  
All my life, I'll be with you forever  
To get you through the day and make everything okay"**_

Zetsu was sitting on the couch, filling out medical papers at the moment. Kakashi had gone off to do his job. Zetsu yawned and set the clipboard down, scratching his duo colored chest. He'd just realized he didn't have his shirt on. Oh well. Zetsu's hand splayed across his belly where the head of the Cerberus was, its mouth open around his belly button. It was in some kind of ink the color of his hair. Inside the mouth (aside from his belly button) of the Cerberus was a yellow swirl, somewhat like Naruto and Minato's signature demon move only… Different. There were flecks of brown, red, and black in it and he _felt_ the meaning, he just couldn't decipher the feelings. When he touched it, the colors shined and stood out. He yawned again.

"Oi, Oro-Pedo," Zetsu said. Orochimaru made a noise as he continued stamping a pile of papers. "What are you?" Orochimaru looked up and smirked.

"Why, Zetssssssssssu-Kun, I'm sssssssssurprisssssssssed you don't know," hissed the pale pedophile. "I am Orochimaru Manda, one of the three great Ssssssssssannin in the city."

Zetsu stared and his eyes lit up in recognition. "Oh! No wonder Oro-Pedo fit you. You're Tsu-Baa-Chan's and Ero-Jiraiya's brother, ne?"

"Tssssssssu-Hime and Jiraiya-Kun, yessssssss," Orochimaru hissed. "Do you know them?"

Zetsu nodded and folded his legs under his body. "Yes. Tsu-Baa-Chan was my personal tutor, training me in the basics of Demon Magia Control. Ero-Jiraiya is the principal of Konoha High." Orochimaru nodded before going back to stamping his papers. "And Kabuto?"

Orochimaru scoffed. "He isssssssss clearly a healer immortal. He isssssssss a noble."

"What are you?"

"I am a noble assssssssss well, ssssssssssssssstupid boy," hissed the snake man cheerfully. "And you…" Orochimaru smiled creepily. "Well, you have to regissssssssster with the current Head of Regisssssssstration, Ssssssssssssabaku Kankuro, older ssssssssibling of your Gaara friend."

Zetsu sighed and nodded, standing to go get his shirt when the door burst open. He glanced lazily at the door and twitched; the whole crew and Haku.

"Hey, fucker!" Hidan shouted, jumping at Zetsu first. Everyone but Kakuzu, Itachi, Sasori, and Haku followed. "So, what'd the fucking doctor say about your shit feelings?"

"**Fucker said we have to mark a mate. He seriously had to be shittin' us but we save the damn mark on Normal's tummy and we knew the shithead was right**," Black Zetsu answered.

"For those of you who do not swear, Kabuto-Kun said we must pick a mate. At first we doubted him but when we saw the mark Normal is hiding with his hand, we knew Kabuto-Kun was being truthful, the dolt," White Zetsu answered.

Tobi tilted his head to the side. Something seemed to click because he pulled out a bento. "Zetsu-San, Tobi made you a special lunch! Tobi is a good boy! Look, look!" Tobi shoved it at the duo colored teen and he took it, uncovering the Cerberus-and-Yellow-Ball mark. He paid no heed to the gasps and opened the box. His lips quirked up and he answered Tobi sweetly.

"Thanks, Tobi. I… Huh, didn't know I was hungry." Zetsu nodded after his stomach growled and tipped the lid off the bento box, revealing a freshly killed rabbit, Zetsu could smell it. As soon as Zetsu finished eating, however, the day took a turn for the worst. Tobi asked to use the phone for a moment.

"Hello?" Tobi said as the others quieted down. "Yes, hello, Rinnengan-Sama, this is Tobi, I-… I see. Uh-huh. Understood, sir. Permission to speak, sir?" he paused and tilted his head to the side as he held the office phone to his ear. "Thank you. My name is Tobi, though I am a man of many names, Tobi is the one I am registered to by Lord Kankuro. I have recently discovered that your son, Zetsu, has come of age and into his inheritance. I-… Pardon? He doesn't have his shirt on sir. No, sir, I did not take it off. No, sir, I believe he did for his medical examination earlier today. Haku Momochi Fukurokuju seems to have been the cause, sir. Sir? Oh, um, alright, sir. I will tell him, you have my word for it. May I please continue?

"I have recently discovered that y our son, Zetsu, has come of age and into his inheritance. I wish to get your permission to begin the courting process with him, sir." He paused and nervously twirled the phone cord around his finger. He was silent for some time. When he finally spoke, he sounded extremely relieved. "Sir, my name is Tobi Shikigami. I am of Pearl ranking. I am the last living in the line of the Inugami blood." And with that, Tobi flicked his mask off, smiling at the group cheekily.

--xXx—

_**Bonus, Tobi's Phone Call**_

"_Hello, Pein Rinnengan speaking_."

"Hello?"

"_Who is this_?"

"Yes, hello, Rinnengan-Sama, this is Tobi, I-…"

"_You're the boy who deprived my son of his inhaler! He has asthma and hyperventilates easily, you know!_"

"I see."

"_You be careful with him, I swear to god, Tobi!_"

"Uh-huh."

"_Understood_?"

"Understood sir. Permission to speak sir?"

"_Permission granted._"

"Thank you. My name is Tobi, though I am a man of many names, Tobi is the one I am registered to by Lord Kankuro."

"_Continue_."

"I have recently discovered that your son, Zetsu, has come of age and into his inheritance. I-…"

"_He has his mark?! How do you know?_"

"Pardon? He doesn't have his shirt on sir."

"_Did you remove his shirt_?"

"No, sir, I did not take it off."

"_Why, Tobi, is his shirt removed, if you would? Do you know who did?_"

"No, sir, I believe he did for his medical examination earlier today."

"_What for?_"

"Haku Momochi Fukurokuju seems to have been the cause, sir."

"_I wish to leave a message with Fukurokuju-San_."

"Sir?"

"_Inform him that he needs to watch himself_."

"Oh, um, alright, sir. I will tell him, you have my word for it. May I please continue?"

"_You may_."

"I have recently discovered that your son, Zetsu, has come of age and into his inheritance. I wish to get your permission to begin the courting process with him, sir."

"_Then I, Pein Rinnengan of the Rinnengan Priest Legacy, hereby place the welfare of my son, Zetsu, in your hands. You must follow the standard courting rules. You are currently completing the first rule. Rule Number Two: You must first win over the Courted's heart before making any sort of advancement on him. Rule Number Three: Once the heart is won, you may hug and make other non-intimate, friendly contact. Rule Number Four: Once the Courted is ready, he may call upon his guardian to officially bond them matrimonially. Rule Number Five: before the Suitor and Courted may bond bodily, spiritually, and mentally, the Suitor must first have dinner with the family of the Courted. _

"_Rule Number Six: Directly following up the dinner, the Suitor must have gifts for each family member of the Courted, sans the Courted himself. Rule Number Seven: Two weeks following the dinner, the Suitor must find a suitable gift approved of by the family of the Courted for the Courted. Rule Number Eight: Both the Suitor and the Courted must wear gowns of the color of their rankings one hour before the body, spirit, and mental bonds begin. Rule Number Nine: Immediately following the Bonding of the mind, body, and soul, the Bonded must shower and purify themselves. Rule Number Ten: Formally and publically, the Bonded must be wedded._

"_Now, Tobi, state your complete name, your breed, and your ranking."_

"Sir, my name is Tobi Shikigami. I am of Pearl ranking. I am the last living in the line of the Inugami blood."

--

**BONUS QUESTION: **_**Can you figure out what each son has to do with each section of the chapter?**_**If I like you answer, I'll write you a one-shot of the Naruto Pairing of your choice.**


	10. Chapter 9::

**Like a Drug**

"_It's goodbye  
But we got one more night  
Let's get drunk and drive around"-_

_**The Great Escape by Boys Like Girls**_

Zetsu didn't know what to hate most about his day. His family, his so called 'friends', or his suitors.

The green-ette dragged a hand down his face. Dear lord did he hate mating. Currently, he was hidden away in Kabuto's office. He had the blinds drawn and the door locked and was using Kisame as a shield lest his carefully made barriers proved useless. Kisame sighed and slumped lower against the door, staring at his brother blankly. A week had passed since Tobi, Haku, Hidan, and Kakuzu began courting him. Only Hidan, Kakuzu, Haku, and Tobi.

--

"_Anyone else want to get permission to court?" Orochimaru sang as he held the phone in his hands. He smiled his creepy pedophile smile at all the young men in his office and pressed the office phone to his ear. "No, Pein-Kun! It seems no one else wants to court Zetsu-Kun." His smile widened and he closed his eyes. "Really? I suppose. But…" Flowers burst from behind him as he next spoke, "if it's for Pein-Kun, anything goes~!" Zetsu inched closer to his brother in fear._

_Pein and Orochimaru exchanged a few more words and they set a date for something and the principal hung up. He stepped around his desk and sat on the front of his, folding his arms and ankles. "Alright. Itachi-Kun, Deidara-Kun, Sasori-Kun. Is there a specific reason you chose not to court Zetsu-Kun?"_

_The mentioned blond and red head glanced at each other and, as if on reflex, their fingers laced together. Deidara was the one to answer._

"_Well, yeah, un. Don'tcha pay attention, hmm? Danna un and me, we've been courting for months, yeah." Orochimaru grinned and congratulated them, offering them flowers. Deidara took them uncertainly and looked to Sasori who shrugged nonchalantly. Itachi paused in bringing the stick of pocky to his mouth and glared defiantly when everyone aside from Zetsu turned to look at him. Zetsu was inching towards Kabuto, away from Haku's damned all-seeing gaze._

"_Me?" Itachi pointed at himself with his stick of pocky. He bit into it when Orochimaru's grin widened. Itachi glanced at the blue skinned teen in the room and finished his stick of pocky. He took another one from the box he held and sighed. "I've to phone someone else about courting, Orochimaru-Sensei."_

"_Who, who?" Orochimaru begged, offering Itachi the phone. The Uchiha finished off his stick of pocky and handed the box to Kisame. He wiped his hands on his pants and stepped forward, taking the phone. "I love secrets!" chimed in the principal of questionable sexuality. "Share with us, share, share, Itachi-Kun!"_

_Itachi, much to the shock of everyone but the flower-producing principal, smiled brightly. "who else but Suigetsu-Sama? He has something that I do so dearly desire." He sent a half-smile towards Kisame as he dialed the phone number to Kisame's place of residence._

--

In retrospect, not only was Zetsu hiding but Kisame as well. There was a hesitant knock on the door to the room, jerking Zetsu out of his flashback. Christ he hated flash backs. Usually they meant no good would come of the day. "**Fucking people with no fuckin' respect around here**!" Black Zetsu complained. White Zetsu rolled his eye. "Oh god, you complain much too often for my liking, Su-Chan." Black responded lazily, "**Aw, fuck you, Zet-Kun. Grow a pair, why don'tcha?**" Normal Zetsu sighed in a 'what-can-you-do' sort of way, giving Kisame a questioning glance when another hesitant knock rang. Zet, Su, and Zetsu shut up.

"Who's it?" Kisame slurred boredly.

"Erm… Kisame-Kun, Zetsu-Kun? You… Well… Oh, both of you have visitors, it seems." Kabuto sounded scared. "Please come out… Michael's asthma is acting up too, boys, I need his pills and inhaler!"

Kisame glanced at Zetsu whose black side seemed to be attempting to match the white side in pallor. "…_They_ aren't there, are they?" whispered the Hell-Hound hesitantly.

Kabuto's voice was chipper suddenly; a bad sign. "Of course they are! They've not left since you barricaded yourselves in. My. Office." He emphasized on the last three words and his tone turned dark. "GET OUT OF MY OFFICE BOYS!" Kisame scrambled up while Zetsu stood, pulling his pants back on. He was foregoing the shirt because it was the weekend and he found that particular article of clothing completely unnecessary. Kisame flipped on the light and opened the door, slipping out after the Cerberus. Kabuto grinned and seemed back to his sweet nurse self and slipped into his office with a hyperventilating blond demon. The door slammed shut with a click of the lock and the shirtless Cerberus and the sword-less Hell-Hound both made shows of swallowing dramatically. Self-consciously, Zetsu slung his black arm across his stomach, holding his white elbow tensely.

The duo colored boy glanced at his brother then the five adults remaining in the room. He recognized Kakashi, Orochimaru, Minato, and Pein but the final man was a mystery. The teens in the room consisted of his new friends (Hidan, Kakuzu, Tobi, Itachi, Sasori, and Deidara), Haku, and… He swallowed before a painful looking grin split his face. He practically leapt forward, glomping the pale skinned teen that resembled Itachi slightly.

"Sa-Su-Ke-CHAN~!" he screamed, hugging the teen. Sasuke blushed darkly and grumbled something. "SASUKE-CHAN! I MISSED YOU MOST!!" The clearing of throats had Zetsu releasing his best friend. Ino, Temari, Sakura, Naruto, and Gaara stared at him hard. Zetsu smiled shyly. "Ehm. Well, I _did_ miss you guys, but there's no way I missed you more than SASUKE-CHAN, kay?"

Ino glared. "Not even _me_?" she flipped her hair in a mock seductive way and laughed at the end.

"Sorry, Ino-Chan, no. Sasuke-Chan I missed the most." Zetsu had somehow managed to wrap his legs around Sasuke's waist from behind and had his arms around the duck ass vampire's neck, his chin on the ebony duck-ass styled locks. The red head of the group cleared his throat and stared into Zetsu's eyes. The green-ette stared back. Sea foam green eyes and cat-like golden eyes stared in a battle of some sort. Zetsu's grin had long since vanished and when it reappeared, the red head flushed and hid his face against the long haired blond boy's shoulder.

"Sorry," Zetsu whined, "I'm irrevocably, undeniably, unconditionally playing favorites towards Sasuke-Chan."

"Ne, ne, Zetsu-San!" Everyone glanced back. "Tobi wants to meet Zetsu-San's friends! Please, please, PLEASE?" Tobi's lone brown eye and his other eye, a blood red with a grey dog-shape in the center, pleaded desperately into Zetsu's eyes. A blush dusted Zetsu's face and he looked away and untangled himself from Sasuke. He nodded slowly and linked his arm with Sasuke's, offering his other hand out to Tobi who took it hesitantly and smiled when Zetsu winked. "Yay! Friends, friends, friends!" sang Tobi. He might've resembled the principal but he didn't grow flowers, his hair didn't flow beautifully in the nonexistent wind, he didn't sparkle, nothing turned pink, and he wasn't a pedophile.

"Um… Well, the red head is Sabaku no Gaara, Demigod hybrid. His mate is Naruto Kitsune, son of, who we believe, Namikaze Minato and Kyuubi no Kitsune but as of now there is no proof. The very gorgeous blond girl in Yamanaka Ino, daughter of Yamanaka Inoichi and Aphrodite. The rosette beside her is Haruno Sakura, parents undetermined as of now but her blood is undergoing tests. The final woman who graces us with her _godly_," he smiled teasingly at Temari, "is Sabaku no Temari, another Demigod bred with her mother, Sabaku no Momo –an immortal-, and the messanger god Hermes." Temari sighed. "Beside me is my precious Uchiha Sasuke-Chan. Bite him, injure him, harm him in any way, shape or form, and your head will hand from my wall, Shikigami Tobi."

Silence followed. It was an awkward silence, the kind that led up to painful flashbacks for Zetsu. He shuddered and smiled. "Alright, ga…"

"_Please, please! Don't hurt him, Kaito! He's done nothing! He didn't mean it! Couldn't you see it was the Black one that talked, not our baby?!"_

"_Shut the fuck up, Aina! He's a demon, demon, demon!"_

"_SO ARE YOU!"_

"_SHUT UP BITCH!"_

"_DON'T HIT HIM! STOP IT, KAITO!"_

"_Shut up, you whore. Learn your place. I will hit the fuckin' son of a whore if I wanna. You ain't gonna change that, you fucking bitch. Understand?"_

"_Don't hurt my baby."_

"_AM I UNDERSTOOD?!" A pause. "LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TALKING- WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING, BOY!?"_

"_DON'T CUT HIM! KAITO! STOP IT! STOP IT!"_

"_I'll do what I want. Like this."_

"_WHAT THE FUCK, YOU JERK?!" A painful pause. "D-don't turn that b-burner on… Wh-what are you… Wh…"_

"_Hahahahahahhahah! Listen to him scream, Aina! His voice can sure go high, can't it?"_

"_You're burning his hand! IT'S ON FIRE! KAITO!!"_

"-u… Su… ZETSU!" The green-ette blinked blearily, peering around him. When had he fallen? He was on his knees with Tobi and Sasuke on either side, peering at him cautiously. His black hand rose and mussed up his hair. "Zetsu?" Sasuke whispered.

"**Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, shit. Su-Chan, Su-Chan, Su-Chan, whadda we do?**" White laughed nervously, the white side's eye widening as a scared smile spread on both sides of Zetsu. "I… I do not know, Zet-Kun… Let me see your hand…" The black hand hovered between the faces and White let out another nervously high-pitched laugh. "It's… Been…" He swallowed. "_So long… It's been so long since I 'membered that one, guys. When'd that one happen_?" Black blinked and sighed shakily. "**Zetsu, go back to sleep. Let Mommy and Daddy take care of this, alright?**"

"Zetsu-San?" Tobi whispered, dropping so he could look them in the eyes. The dog in his red eye was contorted into a spinning black whirr of nothing. Zetsu went cross eyed and was shaking himself out of whatever daze he'd been in. He stared down at his hands in shock and horror. His hands turned to fists, shaking terribly.

"Zetsu," Sasuke stated softly but firmly, "what the hell was that?"

Zetsu's voice was hoarse. "I… Thought…" he began. "We got rid of them! We hid the memories a-fucking-way! We got rid of them! I remember locking them in a box; I remember losing the key somewhere! Why… Why… Why?!"

"Zetsu-San," Tobi murmured, tilting Zetsu's chin up so their gazes were even. "Shut your mouth; close your eyes, and breath." Hesitantly, Zetsu closed his eyes. "Alright. Ready? Ready. Breathe with me now. In through your nose, out through your mouth, alright? Ready, ready? In-Out… Good, good. In-Out… In-Out… In-Out… In… Hold for four… Out for four. In, hold for four, out for four… Good, good…"

Orochimaru was nervous. Only Tobi's coaxing Zetsu to breathe –"In. One-two-three-four… Out-two-three-four…"- was echoing in the large office. It was awful. Orochimaru was used to having something to say. Oh, where was Kabuto? The pedophile-for-show principal glanced angrily towards his assistant's office and pouted. He clapped his hands pleasantly together and stood from the arm of the couch.

"Well, I'll get some treats then?" he chirped.

"Sit down, Orochi-Oji," Minato snapped at him.

"How about flowers?" Orochimaru plowed onwards, smiling as flowers burst from behind him. He handed Kakashi, Minato, Pein, and the "Mystery" Man some flowers.

"Thank… You?" Minato said hesitantly. Kakashi smiled at Orochimaru gratefully and the pedophile-for-show bowed his head and blushed, smiling in a pleased way.

"OROCHI-PEDO LIKES KASHI!" Both men in question gave starts and the principal looked up in confusion, his eyes resting on the Cerberus. "Mhmm. I KNEW it." His voice was bitter at the end. "Bastards." He turned his back and judging from Haku's dark blush, Zetsu was pouting.

Zetsu held his arms out and pouted more at Haku who looked flustered. "Hold me!"

Haku pointed at himself. "Pardon? _Me_?"

"Haku, just hold the fucking cocksuck-"

"Stop _swearing_," Kakuzu snarled hysterically, glaring indignantly at his brother. Haku stood awkwardly, staring at Zetsu.

As much as he didn't want to, he had to bring light to the situation Zetsu was trying to put himself in. "I truly would love to, Venus, however-"

"So _do _it, un," Deidara chided. "You should live your life, ne Danna un?"

"Hn," was all Sasori responded with.

"'Tachi, un!" Deidara whined. The teen in question was watching the other Uchiha carefully, slightly in shock.

Deidara shrugged. "Won't you get sick, Venus darling?" Haku asked Zetsu.

"**Aw fuck, Fag is right!**" Black Zetsu whined. "I do agree with Kakuzu-Kun on the subject: Please _refrain_ from swearing, my dearest Zet-Kun. It makes you sound like a complete and utter _dolt_. Need I say more?" White Zetsu sounded exasperated and on the verge of hysterics but not quite there yet. Haku sighed and looked away in shame and Zetsu huffed in annoyance.

"Good lord," Zetsu said once Black and White repressed. He pressed a palm to his forehead. Was the world conspiring against him or something? "I'm hungry."

"Er… Sorry?" Kisame said hesitantly. Tobi, however, grinned. He stood and offered Zetsu a bento box. Where the hell did that come from?! Zetsu grinned and thanked him before opening it. Ino sighed and reclined boredly against nothing, watching Zetsu devour the rabbit.

"Why do you only eat rabbits?" Naruto questioned for his first line of the chapter. Everyone, including the Uchiha siblings who had –up until the Kitsune's stupid comment- been having a stare down, turned to face the mate of the Demigod Sabaku incredulously. Even aforementioned Demigod Sabaku male stared at him stupidly. "What?"

Zetsu set the bento box on Orochimaru's desk and wipe his mouth. He tilted his head to the side. "I could always eat babies."

A tense silence filled the air. It was hard to decide who needed stared at more. Naruto for even bringing it up or Zetsu for making that kind of comment.

"Babies," Naruto deadpanned.

"Babies. As in, infant, the recently brought into this world, miniature beings… Babies." Zetsu nodded. He settled his left hand on his left hip while his right hand served to cover the Cerberus on Zetsu's stomach. Under his hand, the odd flecks of colors pulsed and Tobi blinked, the dog in his eye taking shape once more.

"Zetsu-San, when will you return to our room?" he asked blankly.

"What?" Hidan taunted. "Ya gotta problem with him sleeping in my fucking bed?"

"Swearing," Kakuzu chided but he went ignored.

"Well Zetsu-San has a bed for Zetsu-San!" Tobi cried.

"What? Ya think I'm gonna fucking molest him or some other ghetto or shitfaced idea like that?!" Hidan demanded.

"Swearing!"

"… Hidan won't overstep his boundaries. Tobi just thinks Zetsu-San should return to the bed specifically for Zetsu-San."

"Yeah, you're a total pussy, Tobi. You think I'm gonna rape him or do some other stupid shit to 'im!" Hidan accused.

"Watch. Your. Language," Kakuzu hissed hysterically.

"I am _not_ a… What you called me!" Tobi snapped. "And I think no such thing! I am a Shikigami! I have no such impure thoughts about… About… _Your_ kind!"

"Say that again, you asshole!"

"Hidan!" Kakuzu snarled.

"Pardon? Oh, the part about how _your kind_ could never cross my mind like that? Because it is so true."

Orochimaru sighed. It wasn't exactly the kind of conversation he would've hoped for but it was better than the exceedingly awkward silence. Maybe he could do something to get Kakashi to smile at him like that. The thought of Kakashi had Orochimaru blushing pleasantly.

"You fuck-"

"HIDAN JASHIN! Cease and desist with the swearing. Some of us," Kakuzu motioned towards himself, Tobi, the white half of Zetsu, and Gaara, "prefer communicating sans those horrid swear words! They make you sound utterly brain dead and definitely _not_ worthy of courting Zetsu!"

Zetsu sighed. "Kakuzu…"

"Zetsu."

"Thank you, Kakuzu."

"You are welcome, Zetsu."

"Wow," drawled Ino, "you guys have names. Cool." She snorted. "Thanks. I _so_ couldn't have figured that one out on my own. God. Men." She shook her head.

If Zetsu had to chose, he would probably say he hated his so called friends most that day.

--

**Sort of a filler, ne? Egads. Ok, so Zetsu's whole 'I could eat babies' line… I just really, really, **_**really**_** wanted him to say that! I dunno why. Um. Yeah, so it totally seems like a filler. Um, DES **_**will**_** be updated Tuesday, sort of as a 'woo, school starts' thing… I'll put more up about school with my next LAD, DES, or KB update… Probably one of the former. Um… Yup… **

**BONUS**: _**Anyone want to chance a guess at what Hidan and Kakuzu are? I've not yet mentioned but I've dropped some hints. WINNER GETS A ONE-SHOT OF THE NARUTO PAIRING OF THEIR CHOICE!**_


End file.
